Santa? Cause I don't want to.....

Well it is that time of the year where here in Arizona we are dusting off our inflatable yard decorations. Plugging them in for the air induced resurrection of Frosty and Santa among other characters. Frantic parents begin stringing lights that signal Christmas is near.


Let me tell you, I was a little shocked this year when I started seeing my children less interested in the meaning of Christmas and more concerned with what may be laying under the Christmas tree. I figured it was time to break out once again with the birth of Jesus story.

As I was reading to them from Luke in the bible, I found myself choking back tears. This has been happening to me lately when I hear Christmas carols too that truly honor the birth of our king. The story of Christ goes as such: An angel came into that dark field where the shepherds were up watching their sheep. They were terrified. It doesn't just say they were hanging out in a dark field, but they were keeping watch at night. It was were they lived vigilant, even in darkness. God chose to reveal this to them at this time for a reason! It is the picture of our lives now. We are living in a world that is dark but Glory be! Jesus is the light!!

So back to the story.

I can only imgaine the light from the angels was so bright as they carried the true Glory of God! Nowadays we have so much artificial light but back then they had never seen anything like that, the brightest light they could have been exposed to was the sun. Then the glory of the Son of God comes and their eyes must have been lit on fire, they weren't just scared, they were terrified!! Then to really top things off a whole bunch of angels joined them on earth and began a break out worship service right there in the field! I bet the shepherds were on their faces weeping. I would have been. That would have been a life changing moment. When I hear the lyrics of "OH Holy Night" I sense the true "Spirit of Christmas"

A thrill of hope; the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, the night when Christ was Born;

O night, O holy night, O night divine!

The original lyrics, written in 1842 by a French Poet, state the meaning even more clearly.

People kneel down, wait for your deliverance.
Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer,
Christmas, Christmas, here is the Redeemer!


So I decided to find out what the word Christmas meant. Apparently the word itself means, Christ suffering death. The word Mass was used in the church to mark the death and suffering of Christ.

You can clearly see the importance of this day. This is the translation from Luke that just rocked me, normally we hear a different version, but really think on the wording. It brings tears
"Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

The Lord's favor rest on me. He came to bring peace and that peace rest on me because I am favored!! Praise God!

This leads me back to the conversation I had with my son about good ole St. Nick. I have never allowed my children to "believe" in Santa. I never did growing up and I survived! They can watch the movies, make ornaments and generally enjoy the lightheartedness the jolly man's legend brings, but I under no circumstances would lie to my kids, or even trick them for fun especially when the real meaning of Christmas, (Christ suffering death) is so weighty and glorious. Don't get me wrong I do not think everyone needs to think like me. We each have to do what God and our conscious tells us. But as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. This is one way we serve the Lord in our house.

I was a little taken back when I discovered, despite my best efforts my eldest son believed that a bearded, red clad man brings presents to boys and girls based on their behavior. Thank God this legend is not prevalent in Ethiopia where they sustain the real meaning of Christ suffering and death. If that were the case millions of African children were just naughty this year. I tried to tell him this and to appeal to logic. I know the majority of people will think I am a monster for this) But he was still confused. Then I realized the two sidedness I face each year for my beliefs. I work hard telling my kids that St. Nick was a christian man who helped the poor, but only God knows the heart of man and he is the one and only judge to man. Personally I think St. Nick would be appalled and in absolute horror that his name was attached to this legend in this way. He loved and understood the sovereignty of Christ.

As we go out into the world my kids are faced with well meaning adults asking them what Santa is bringing for Christmas. Then they go to school and Santa visits them, and tells them he is real and he believes in them even though they don't believe in him. They are told they have to write notes to Santa asking him for things. Then they get into trouble with adults because they are ruining the fun for the other kids when they say they don't believe in Santa. Why does my 8 year old have to behave anything more than an 8 year old who is telling the truth? Don't get me wrong, I tell my kids that they need to be respectful of other peoples beliefs and how other people manage their families. But occasionally there is a slip up like when Nettie told the whole kindergarten class that Santa was dead. She wasn't trying to be mean, just telling the truth because in a sense that is what I have taught her. (although not in those words) Recently when Mason got in trouble with his teacher for saying he doesn't do Santa in his house she was under the impression that we didn't celebrate Christmas. My kids are very confused. It seems the burden lays on me to keep my kids quiet. It is like the Christmas mafia mentality.

This is what I told Mason the other night. Afterward he reached out his little hands and scooped up the air and gestured as if he were stuffing something in his heart. He said "Mom I get it, I am taking it all in"

Mason, the point is faith. It comes down to that. Faith is hard for even the most faithful. It takes a level of a child's faith to believe in Santa Clause, it also takes a level of faith to believe in God. I am not going to waste the precious gift of faith believing in things that are not real. Our focus is that God came down in human form and lived and died for all of us. Christ Masse. We worship God with all of hearts, without distraction from the shiny lights and silly traditions of man. We turn our gaze willingly on the King and his sacrifice for us. I wouldn't want you to share that gift of believing in the unseen with anything but Jesus.

He seemed to get it.

In the end it boils down to this. Parents tell their kids something that isn't true. I doubt it will destroy them or their faith but for us even sharing the glory with any man over God that is asking too much from me.

So please society honor my feelings to tell my kids the truth. I am not a monster, I am not a grinch. I haven't ruined Christmas for my kids. The magic isn't really magic. The truth that makes Christmas special is the wander and awe comes from knowing we have favor on earth with a God that adores us and has laid upon us peace through the birth, death and resurrection of his only son JESUS. It does not get any better than that!!!

To be honest there isn't a magic show in town or fun legend I would trade for holy, sanctified wander.

People kneel down and wait for your deliverance!! Christmas Christmas HERE IS YOUR REDEEMER!

Kids don't try this at home.....

Kids do not try this at home. They don't listen.

Just now I hear a crash, bang and the following... whahhhhhhhhh!!!! Judah walks in limping and holding his head, while three guilty "older" children follow. Mason, being the designated speaker explained that Judah asked to be launched with a board into the air. Apparently it worked, story goes he flew 10 feet into the air landed in the rubber chips and hurt his head and foot. It took the three older kids to send him soaring but like I said it worked, and apparently Nettie got "lunched" too. Being the great mom that I am I peaked out just a few minutes ago to find them playing with a big plank of wood and even I with a great imagination couldn't conceive them launching one an other. The inspiration for this launch came from a show "Time Warp" where they take the science of motion and slow it down to really examine it. Mason said after the launching that the show said not to try it at home. Apparently Nettie was the first to launch and it was her idea. Ummm, go figure. Abby then said "Judah you are my hero you can fly!" with that the tears dried and the kids prayed for him in between giggling.

I am not pregnant.

I am not pregnant, this thought hasn't really sunk in. Although the thought of being pregnant never did sink in. I think my mind is about three months behind my body. The other day I turned over in bed and fully expected a kick or jab, but there was nothing there. Instead she lay beside me, such a sweet warm bundle. Yet, I missed her being tucked away nicely inside of me where I could kind of control things a little bit, where love was more a mystery. Now I am alone, separate from her and the experience of her growing in me and now it is gone forever. I came to the realization that now my stomach is just that. A boring ol' stomach. There is nothing special about my pooch now, it is now longer cute and tight. It is no longer a baby bump, it is just a lump. I know that I will recover but I will hopefully never forget how it felt to carry her. I hope that I can always appreciate it, more than I did in the moment. I regret that. I regret that worry and fear kept me from fully enjoying the moment. I honestly didn't think I would get pregnant, or stay pregnant or give birth to a child that lived. Now she is here and absolutely amazing. All that worrying for nothing.

There are some things that I am glad I have back, my bladder being one of them. Of course I have traded my bladder for my breast, which are no longer mine. It seems I traded one leaky system for another. That's okay. My bottom half is almost fully recovered and I forgot how much post part-em recovery there is.

I actually want to have another baby. Crazy, but Serenity is the kind of girl that makes you want more. Okay gotta run.

Serenity Bethel

It is with great pleasure I can sit her, in a fair amount of pain and slightly dazed that I can share how my daughter entered this world October 8th, 2010.

October 7th started with regular contractions but I thought they would stop. They didn't. And about 1 am I started to bleed. Unfortunately because of my condition I wouldn't be able to labor at home. We went to sleep and decided to call the doctor in the morning. Needless to say I didn't sleep well, maybe two hours. I kept waking up to check for hemorrhage. We called the doctor at 8 am and he said that today would be a great day to have a baby and it was time to get her out. We dropped the kids off at Waffle House with my sister in law and she took them to my mother in law. Gary and I checked into the hospital with my sister Janette. They checked me out and admitted me. I was moved to labor and delivery and asked them if I could please walk to see if my contraction would "regulate" they did but I was only given to 2 pm to walk. When I got back up to labor and delivery at St. Joes I was told that I had to go onto pittosin. I wasn't thrilled but it needed to be done. As it was explained to me that this bleed wasn't bad but the second one and there would be one, could be life threatening. I agreed to a small amount of pitt and they began their mandatory duty of blood and IV's baby monitors, etc. It was horrible. But luckily I had a sweet nurse who put up with my wining and of course I had my sister who stood by me in complete support. I didn't feel alone. Unbeknownst to me my wonderful doctor had talked to a nurse named Allison 2 weeks prior who was trained in home birth and natural labor. She even told the resident I was her private patient and she wouldn't let her follow. She switched shifts and patients with my nurse and took over. Unfortunately she could only stay until 7 pm. After she left I did get a string of nurses that were great but couldn't replace what she could have done for me had she been able to stay. Later I found out she called at 4 am just to see how I was. I labored with pitt being slowly turned up until I couldn't take it at all. I asked them to turn it down they did without hesitation. I had to be continually monitored so I could only labor standing up, I tried different positions but I could only move a few feet because of the cords that tied me down. I was able to feel my water break though as I tried laying down. That was cool. I was praying and laying on my side and Janette and Gary were rubbing my legs and praying and I was just committing myself to Christ having a sweet moment in silence when I heard a huge pop and felt something burst. It had to be about 8 pm, I thought I was going to look down and see blood everywhere but it was my water! It felt like a balloon inside of me bursting. I dilated to 4-5 and gave up mentally, she was really high and not descending. I had flash backs of Mason's birth and the pain with pitt and not progressing. My lovely sister and great husband talked me into just a bit longer to get her dropped at least. Janette suggested I keep the standing position. That worked very well. Gary talked them into letting me get into the shower, they unhooked my pitt and monitors and I got to labor in the shower for 15 minutes at a time, but Gary let me stay longer. I did this and when I got out they had to hook me back to the monitors but I talked them into letting me get off the pitt, my contractions were now just mine. After several rounds of this I dialated to 7-8, and had descended. My sister was totally right and I felt very hopeful. At this point it was like midnight? I was so tired, the contractions were wonderfully strong, unfortunately I was horribly tired. I couldn't stand anymore, I tried laying down but it made it worse. I was literally strapped. I gave up. I gave up the moment I entered the hospital. I got the epidural. Then my contractions stopped. Go figure, that's what happens. I thought they could just put me back on pitt, but they couldn't they had to see how Serentiy reacted to the epidural. We didn't have a good reaction, my blood pressure dropped and my heart was pounding in my throat. Serenity didn't like that either. They had to give me epinephrine to counter the epidural. I thought I was going to die. I put music on in my ears and just started praying. Things stablized but they couldn't get my contractions going again until they saw the baby had a good reaction. I remained like this for quite a while. Apparently I was stuck at 7-8 now and the doctor broke the bag of forwaters that was holding her high. Eventually got on pitt again. I finally got a chance to sleep but my blood pressure monitor kept going off as I kept dropping so the alarm kept going off. My sister went home and was planning on coming back, my parents went home as they were told it would be a while. Gary and I fell asleep and didn't know they weren't planning on checking me until way later. My sister Mary stayed faithfully alone in the waiting room. At about 5:45 Gary woke up with a bad feeling. He looked at Serinity's heart rate and it was almost to 200. Very bad. He went to get the nurse and when she came in she said she would need to call doctor, just as she said that he was there. It has been said of him that he has a sixth sense. Well more than once he proved that to us. He checked me and calm as can be said that I was ready to have the baby. I didn't feel a thing!!! I was so numbed I couldn't even feel the pressure of my little girl delivering herself. She was ready to crown! The doctor gowned up and got my legs situated. Then he did something so cool, he let Gary gown up! When he said to push I did, with all my heart and mind. He was instructing Gary on how to deliver the baby. He told me to give it a second push, I did, then one little final push and Gary delivered our beautiful daughter with no assistance from the doctor. He pulled her out and carried her over to me at 6:05 a.m. Out of all the things that didn't go right for me, this was one thing that was the highlight of the birth. Gary delivering our daughter into this world. Thank God my sister Mary was there and was able to take pictures, she was the only one who was there, my sister Janette who stayed behind from her family in California missed the birth. My friend Jen who I was going to call when I was at 8-9 never knew, and my mom who stayed until 2:00 a.m. missed it.
They collected the cord blood, and let her sit on my belly for 2 minutes. Then she became a human pin cushion as they were concerned about infection because of her elevated heart rate. So typical of hospital births. When they let me hold her, her heart rate dropped 10 points. Then they took her from me and stressed her out.
We found out that my dedicated Doctor Medchill stayed with me the whole time after putting in a full days work. He waited for me letting me do what I needed to do. Then after instructing my husband on how to deliver Serenity he stitched me up and went back to work a full day. Unbelievable. He slept at the hospital just for me. The placenta did not fail or bleed during delivery, thank God. Every nurse I had was amazing and kind. I could not have done this without my husband or sister. Both of them stood by my side rubbing my back for hours. These are things that "Thank you" simply does not cover. Even though I went in angry about having to have a hospital birth I left with a beautiful, 9.5 pound baby, healthy and happy. A little sore a little Johndist, but all in one piece. I can't wait to jot my thoughts on the absolute beauty of a new baby, it is amazing. I am loving this in such a different way now that I am almost 9 years older than when I had my first. God has blessed me. The kids love their baby sister, especially Mason. The whole thing is amazing. This brought Gary and I closer and now our little family of 7 is complete.

maybe the last post before I am a new mommy

Went to doctor today and I am dilated to 2.5, 60% effaced and thinned out. happy dance insert here. Still he told me to start thinking about induction. So I go back on Saturday to see him. As of right now the baby is perfect and everything is fine. I went to my mom's house tonight and did some moves my sister showed me and directly after went into contractions. I have been having good contractions now for several hours. I am going to wait it out until I can't talk, type or walk before I go in. This could be another false start but it feels just a bit different. So hard to tell, I have switched positions several times and they are still coming. So now I am just plumbed tuckered out. Going to bed.

On a side note we put an offer in on a house they accepted and took it off the market, we are just waiting to here back on my mom's old house. This is the furthest we ever got. Fingers crossed, but not legs. :)

Terrible dream

Had an absolutely terrible dream last night. I dreamed that I could see Serenity through an outline on my stomach, then somehow I reached in to get her and she was too small, and her face was completely unformed and crooked. I blame this terrible image on the ultra sounds that have distorted her beautiful little face. Anyway I showed my friend and asked if it looked right and then thought my due date must be completely off she is still forming and I caught her in a bad moment. So I somehow tucked her back in my belly and prayed that she wasn't deformed, but felt bad because I thought I will still love her anyway. I then tried to imagine my life with her as being completely disabled. In my dream I wandered if she would ever walk or talk and what that would mean to my family and how that would change our lives forever. In the end I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep. Now it is 4 AM and I am up. Contractions started like they do everyday and I am feeling rather crampy. I weighed myself and have gained an astonishing 7 pounds in just a few weeks!!! I chalk that up to throwing the diabetic diet out the window for a bit. I guess now I will have to get back on it, being so late in the game and all but never to late to watch what you eat. I may even do my eliptical today as amusing as that may be. So I guess I will shoot for due date number two. October 8th. Seeing as how the fourth has come and gone. There are times I literally think I will not go into labor. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I may even let them check me. For today the kids have PE this morning, guitar lessons and girl scouts, so we will just plod along, it's not like I don't have anything to do to keep me busy. Also in the works is house hunting. I feel we are on the cusp of finding a house. Another reason I am up at the wonderful hour of 4 am. I can't sleep with too much going on in my mind. Between terrible dreams, busy life, house hunting, and Mason's string of health issues and just being plain pregnant and Gary's snoring I am pretty sure I will need a nap at some point today. The list of things running through my mind is insane. I do need to clean the fridge, the house, my room. Not to mention homeschool the kids. There are a few houses we are going to put an offer in on, it is just a matter of which and what timing will show what we get. More complicated issues with the houses we are putting in offers on, of course it can't be simple. I am sitting here looking at this calendar. I can't believe that at some point I will actually have this child. What if I don't? What if I have to be induced? I have 3 days before my due date, I think with Abby I went over the time by two days. How stupid and delusional was I to think I was going to go early. Shumck.

Mason's big plan

Mason 8 years old

Mason said he is going to be a multibillionaire. His plan is to open a Birthing Center to fund Taco Bell and then a Peter Piper Pizza, he is going to have a church in his house, adopt kids, and have some money to burn. With this said money he is going to get a hot rod for himself that goes 200 miles per hour and one baby carrying car so his babies heads don't fly off. He is going to hire his sister Abby and pay her 6oo dollars an hour to work at his Pizza Place. She didn't think that was a good deal but he reassured her it was and that he couldn't treat her special because he didn't want to be unfair to the rest of his employees, Abby inquired if he could please be unfair when no one was looking. Mason assured her that he could not because he didn't want his people to quit. So Abby relented and said that 600 dollars an hour would be fine.

On a different note. I am so done with being pregnant. I love Serenity and I want to meet her so badly. Gary is very excited and I think this time around he really and truly sees the magic of the whole thing as he is in constant wander. Me I am in constant pain and being uncomfortable doesn't bring out the best in me. For that reason I am sure that Gary will be happy when I deliver her. I am having contractions all day now since Saturday, gaining weight faster now than ever before. I think I am up to 19 pounds. I have 1 week left but I don't think I will make it that far. Who knows though, it has been so different from all my other pregnancies. At this point I want to crawl into a cave and be left alone. My cell phone is broken so actually that is a good thing. I know everyone is concerned but I am feeling a lot of pressure with this concern and anticipation to the point where I have decided not to answer the phone. Okay off to deal with heart burn.

Winding down

Well this little 9 month journey will soon be coming to an end. It feels like I did something I couldn't do. I am going to miss it. It is like having a job that is temporary, in the end you get used to the work and attached to the whole thing, then suddenly you have to leave the job and move on to something else. It is bittersweet to say the least.

Serenity will be born at Good Sam, at least I think so. The doctor says he doesn't want to risk a home birth. I may end up with a c section who knows? I am no longer "worried" about it. It is what it is. Good Sam seems to fit what I want at least in a birth if I have to do it in a hospital. They seem to be the most naturally minded.

This has been the first pregnancy that people are only just now asking if I am due soon. I also get told that I don't seem that big at all and that I am just belly. I have gained 16 pounds so far and the doctor expects her to be about 8.5, at this 36 week ultra sound she was 6.3. We had a scare and I thought we could loose her. Turns out it was just a scare. I did not have the liver disease suspected after all the blood work came back. I was truly glad and felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.

We have most of her things together. I have washed and folded laundry, had a baby shower, separated clothes, and purchased diapers. Now I just need to do a few more things. On my list is to get pictures with the boys, take the girls for a pedicure, and get a few last minute shopping things done. Gary's list is maybe a bit longer....

On a family note. Today was September 10th. Mason my sweet 8 year old was able to participate in a flag raising ceremony in honor of the victims of 9-11. I had to choke back tears as he stood in full cub scout uniform holding the Arizona flag. It was 8 years ago I held him so close in my womb that fateful day. Fear overwhelmed me and thoughts crashed through my head as I imaged what this world may be like for my unborn child. I held a little stuffed rabbit and rocked back and forth in my rocker, tears pouring down my face. To see him so big, so handsome standing there with our flag was more than I could take. Gary too stood there in his pilot uniform on the way to work. It was so fitting. Mason is a wonderful child with so much to give the world, I love him with my whole heart.

Tonight Nettie asked me if I were her "real" mom. That is a hard one. This pregnancy has brought up a lot of family questions. (we ended up telling Mason about the birds and bees, he giggled then was fascinated by the science of it) Anyway.. I explained a little bit of genetics to Nettie, that while we didn't share the same blood I was her "real" mom. She was most comforted by the fact that her and I are very similar in our personalities. That, while we didn't share blood we shared something else. She is darling and one of the most compassionate children I have ever known.

I hurt Abby's feelings tonight by yelling at her. She got sick and tired of Mason pestering her and just whopped him straight into the bathtub, whereupon he smacked his head very hard. I realize that when I am afraid I lash out in anger. She felt horrible. I let her and Mason sleep in my bed. While she was settling down she with her big red eyes looked at me making a muscle and said "Mom I just am too powerful, I don't know what to do with these?" speaking of her "guns" Mason told her to use them for good and maybe whittle some wood or something. I am truly living with Zena warrior princess. Mason forgave her with his whole heart, she just found it hard to forgive herself. She lights up my life and makes us all laugh with her never ending antics.

Today was Judah's kindergarten robot parade. I was so proud of him because he is so independent. He pretty much made and designed his own robot costume. It was fun having the whole family out to support him. Yesterday was his birthday and he is now 6! I can't believe we have been mommy and daddy for 5 years to him. His school work is really catching up and he has a great grasp of directions and dates. We are so proud of him for all that he is. Often I think how lucky I am to have him in my life.

Well yawn, maybe write more tomorrow.

Life

Well since April things have happened not only in threes but in 10's or 7's. We just can't seem to get a break financially or emotionally. I was just here thinking that all of this "stuff" isn't worth anything if I don't let it change me. I can't call it garbage because I am sure these woes are recyclable and that they are indeed worth something, possible they are the flames of the refiners fire. For my own account of history I will make a list.

Mason broke his arm, two ER visits, a surgery, three cast later, still not healed. We will see. Then directly after that the transmission blows on our car. One rental van later and a week to go by only to find out the Suburban we bought on auction most likely has all kinds of water damage. Directly after that, water heater leaks in Abby's room, so we buy a new one, replace it and Gary throws his back out severely while installing it. Several weeks of a husband that can't work or even walk, and one ER visit later he is still sore and not himself. During this time and after the kids pick up a nasty virus leaving them with hives and marks all over their bodies. I get the flu and loose several pounds. We recover from that and we get a cold, before the last tissue has been sneezed in Abby and I get food poisoning. One ER trip for me because of dehydration and several doctors appointments later, and many stool samples we finally start to see the light of day, and then I have to put my dog to sleep because he is dieing of heart failure. To come home alone, and find out my friend has also died of cancer. To find out the next day that all my hopes for homebirth are pretty much gone and I have a condition called placenta previa, which would require bedrest and c section. Thankfully I learn that I don't need to be on bed rest but the rest is indeed uncertain. A day goes by, we find the almost perfect house and put an offer in on it hoping to move soon, and we didn't get the house. We buy a new puppy, Abby drops him the day we get him and injures his leg, now I am sitting here listening to him wheeze and I pray to God that he doesn't have kennel cough from the shelter because he is sitting right next to my little chihuahua that has lost weight due to stress and losing her best friend.

Okay rant and whine over with.

I just needed to vent. I understand in light of all of this that God is bigger and the more I praise him the more I trust him. Many good things have come from these trials. Not sure yet what they are but I know that my response time for praising him is lessening as I just surrender.

The new puppy is a doll, the water heater works, for now so does our car, we have more time to save money because we didn't get this house, I didn't have to make a tough choice with my dog, it was obvious he was dieing in that moment, Abby and I are finally well and I now I know that blood in the stools could just be food poisoning, Serenity is healthy and no matter how she comes into the world I am at a great advantage because it is out of my hands, I really have to trust in God to see me through this one.

This is life and as a friend stated to me it is the part of making memories, good and bad. My friend who passed away of cancer is heaven and while her children and husband are here, I know that she is in a better place with no suffering. But while on earth we must suffer for a little while, with the hopes of going to that beautiful place. This is life and we have to live it.

Alien Invasion!!!

I have an alien growing in me I am sure of it. She wiggles and kicks and is the squirmiest baby ever!!! This is like the first time because I seriously don't remember these weird sensations with 1 and 2. Well it was a long time ago but really she feels like a frog or some weird wiggly thing. Sometimes it even creeps me out a bit in a good way!

I am almost 24 weeks now. I think the other day I finally realized I am going to have this baby one way or another. Now I am preparing for natural labor. My sister Janette will act as my Douala and support and I can't say how much that means to me. I am gearing up for long back labor just in case but asking and hoping from God that he has mercy on me and I have a labor like Abby's, text book 7 hours.

I got the best compliment ever the other day when someone looked shocked to hear I was pregnant and in my sixth month! She said "you don't even look pregnant!" in times gone by at about 20 weeks people generally would say how huge I was and if I was due any day. I got comment after comment on how large I was and you know it made me mad.

I am still 11 squares around but apparently our toilet paper measuring system doesn't work as things actually are shifting and moving upwards. Oh well.

My sister is planning a shower for me and I have this pressing sensation that time is going to go by super fast from here on out. I only have about 17 weeks left and I have so much to do. I realized I am not ready nor have I even prepared! So off I go to get myself going on this labor and delivery thing, baby shower, cleaning my house and getting homeschool stuff organized.

Dream

I had a dream last night that I walked where Jesus walked on Calvary. He was already ascended to be at the right hand of the Father but I was with his earthly mother as she showed me the path. Mary talked quietly as we walked along the dusty road. She showed me where Joseph had taken a knife in sheer hurt and pain and anger and struck down every sapling along the path after their son had been murdered. I walked around jagged stumps along the way, careful not to step or slip and fall on one. Then we came to the front of her house, it was dirt. We sat down and she pulled out a quilt that she had made for Jesus that was not finished. Each little patch represented something of Jesus's life. She laid it out flat and rubbed her hands over it the worn patterns and tears began to fall like rain. The hurt that magnified in her, all that she lost when her son was killed welled up in me until I like her was sobbing on the baby quilt. She told me that he was the perfect child, he never did any wrong, he was innocent. As I ran my own hands across the quilt with tears so bitter it hurt physically. At first I could only feel her pain so raw for having lost her perfect child a mothers loss. Then the pain moved into what Jesus did for me and how he gave his life for me, his human life. He left his mom and dad on earth to face a painful death. He left all that was good on this earth to die and for his mortal body to be lifted up. I was full of tears, mixed with sorrow and grief but joy and thanksgiving. Then Mary handed me a piece of the quilt. A pink square, it wasn't anything fancy or special it had a little animal stitched on it as any average baby quilt would. It was worn out. I thought people just wouldn't believe the antiquity of this if I could somehow take it with me into the future. Something interrupted my thoughts and I heard "She is a part of him" (Serentity) They were connected. Then the dream was over.

Some pictures

Some more pictures !

I know we are just wrong to do this as parents but blame my husband. It all came off after the funny picture. :)

Abby watching birds

Mason staring off at gardens
Judah being a butterfly at gardens

OH the Going On's of the B Family

Much has transpired since my last post. MMMM lets see, going to change Serenity's middle name to Hope or Joy or Love. Gary felt her kick today as well, he was tickled pink! This little girl moves all day long! I have never had a baby want to move so much. She kicks and turns and feels like a frog inside of my belly. She seems to respond to Gary's voice as well, and when I eat or lay down she is on the go.

We have acquired two new members of our family, Kiwi and Cockaroo, a Lovebird and a Cockateil. They are both noisy messy and adorable. We are so proud of Mason for training his naughty Lovebird, Kiwi. He worked for a few weeks building trust and now she is too cute for words, minus she bites often. She likes to go into his sleeve, take baths in his hands and now finally hops onto his finger. She climbs all over him and seems to have ADHD. She is the only bird I know that could hang on his shoulder while he makes a myriad of strange noises and dances. Currently she has climbed down the front of his shirt in the quest to find the entrance into his shirt, goal being the sleeve under his arm where she gets real cozy, settles in, then bites the heck out of the soft part of his underarm. She also doesn't let anyone get near Mason and threatens to bite them when they do. Abby's cockatiel is not so adventurous, in fact he looks more like a scrawny chicken. Granted he is a baby but he is perfect for Abby, nice and slow, very calm.

We were going on vacation but since decided to stay home. Money being an issue, the bills have started coming in for Mason's arm and it is just isn't a good time to get away,not to mention he can't do much with his arm. He did however get the pins out on the 20th, I have to admit it was gross and he freaked out. He shivered with fear and completely lost it. I can see he is still traumatized by the whole thing. Perception and temperament are incredible things. Poor Abby went with us and hid behind a gurney as Mason screamed in fear. She tried so hard to make him laugh and was nearly on the verge of tears as they took him for yet more x rays. She, like always held back and just swallowed hard, leaning into me. Which in the end made me cry watching her try to be so brave. So he has 4 more weeks of a cast and then hopefully we are done and can get back to normal life.

Abby and I both had to have skin biopsy's and luckily both came back benign. To get Abby to get the skin removed I had to bribe her with a DS game. She tried to bargain for two but Dad wouldn't tolerate this type of parenting so she got one. We had a nice trip to Walmart just her and I. I got her to buy underwear and socks but she has yet to wear the undies.

Our family has been trying to do more things now that the kids are a bit older. Gary found a lot of free things in the state to take advantage of. We went to the Desert Botanical Gardens and saw the butterfly exhibit. One butterfly landed on Mason and stayed there for 30 minutes. The other kids were horribly jealous. Abby was really into bird watching and charted every little creature she saw with her paper and pencil. Judah and Nettie were still a bit young and while I think they enjoyed it they were pretty tired. Nettie sat down in exhaustion and I asked her "Well how old are you little old lady?" and she said without a blink "26!" that is about right.

We took a trip to the art museum as well. The kids did great I was very happy with them. It was very enjoyable. Today we took advantage of Lowe's kids day. The kids got aprons and built catapults. It was free and very cute. Monday Abby starts soccer so she is stoked. Mason has decided that he no longer wants to be a sniper but a country singer. I am slightly relived. :) Judah is really into trucks, big surprise there, but now he is memorizing all the makes of the big rigs. Gary digs that big time and has made it a game driving on the highway.

Abby lost her tooth 2 days ago. Of course she wouldn't let us pull it out it came out rather on a cheese stick. When she came into our room a while later she said "So can you give me my bucks?" I told her "Don't you want to put it under your pillow?" Her response was "Oh come on I know you guys pretend to be the tooth fairy, I just want my bucks, 100 bucks." I said "Don't you want to pretend there is a tooth fairy?" "NO, just give me my bucks.", well ... later we went to Rubio's to celebrate the last day of school and she requested a Coke. She wanted to stick her tooth in the Coke to watch it rot, a science experiment as she told me. So much for being sentimental. Netties tooth is also loose, and she cannot wait to loose it.

Mason graduated the next level of cub-scouts, becoming one of the most decorated kids in his pack. Abby also graduated Daisy scouts and is moving up to Brownie. Nettie started Daisy's this year and she is so excited.

We are focusing on the kids behavior and I fear we are entering into uncharted territory with our oldest. Gary has had a substantial amount of time off and when he goes back to work it will be quite strange.

Off for now, kids need to go to bed.

The Name

Just the other day my mom and I were talking and in the middle of our conversation I heard her say "Serenity" my brain froze on that word and I interrupted her and asked her if she had just said Serenity? She said no. Well I knew immediately that was to be our new little girls name. Later when I talked to Gary about it he said when he heard me say it that he thought the same thing, "That would make a pretty name". So there you have it. Serenity Ellen, my mother and I share the same middle name so therefore our last daughter will as well.

I went home to look it up and it means

without fear or anxiety, not letting disturbances disrupt the state of peace.

I need that! I love it. Now I have serenity inside of me.

What is surprising is that Gary and I both like the name. Mason had named her Olivia which also means peace, so I take those things as a confirmation that we are supposed to name her this. I had been praying and praying asking the Lord to name our daughter. I thought it would be a biblical name but... I feel at peace with this.

Every name I had chosen anyway began with an S so I guess I was just drawn to S names this time.

Off to start the day. Serenely. lol.

It's A Girl!! 18 Weeks

Today we found out with certainty that the baby I carry is indeed a girl baby. My reaction? Not surprised. Sort of anti climatic, but at least I know now and can get some pink things. HAHA, who am I kidding, no pink for us. I like our little girls to be rough and tough, low maintenance. Hair bows and ribbons, frilly uncomfortable clothes, no thanks. But who knows how this little one will be. She might adore all things pretty like her older sister Nettie.

Regardless we hope she is just born safely and full life. My hope has to be in God because I do not own the joy stick to the universe.

I told Gary and he wasn't surprised, in fact he forgot that when I dropped him off at the library with the other kids that I went to the ultra sound. He was more interested in showing me the magazines he got for 10 cents. Oh hum. I gave him a little pink wrapped truffle. The kids were not surprised either. I guess I just knew for sure that she was a girls so I didn't question it too much.

This whole thing is not real yet. I am waiting for it to hit.

Toilet Paper Tuesday week 18

Still 11 squares big! moving on almost half way through. Today is appointment with midwife she is coming out to our house. I am getting an order for an ultrasound to find out what we are having! I am going tomorrow if all goes well and I hope this little one cooperates!

Broken

We know as Christians, that God works all things together for the good who love him and who are called according to his purpose. My head also knows that I am supposed to consider it joy when I encounter various trials and tribulations, knowing the testing of my faith produces patience. The funny thing is that the greatest distance traveled is from head to heart, a mere 15 inches.

I have been in a battle for my faith since I found out I was pregnant. Again I know this shouldn't throw me for such a loop, but it did. As I stared at that little stick turning a double positive pink I realized both slowly and quickly that the dreams I once nurtured were shutting down like your eyes shut down with tunnel vision just before you pass out. The cord was being pulled.

It has been and still is hard to let some things go. In many ways I feel like a worn piece of paper that had a million scribbles on it, plans I made in pencil, some in ink that were hastily rubbed off with a giant eraser. I can still see a faint outline of what was once there, Africa, adoption, travels, weight loss! ...

I lost faith and purpose when my so called dreams were scratched out leaving holes in parts of the paper. My life. My plans.

On the way to the park that Friday, my first day back after 8 weeks of morning sickness, I wandered quietly in the car.... If something bad were to happened would I even turn to God? It is interesting to me that even though this was just a quiet thought, I was allowed to see through the circumstances of my sons broken arm, my own heart.

When he ran to me, his arm shaped like an S, dangling and flapping as he stumbled towards me, fear and panick washing his face. Immediately I began to pray for it, God's life in me took over. The same way when I was a flight attendant, training took over in emergency situations. Oh sweet relief that the spirit of God lives in me and does not deny itself even in my faith weakened state.

I didn't stop praying but I did stop questioning a lot of things I had previously questioned. In fact outside of pouting and stomping my feet because my plans were "ruined" I don't really know what I was questioning to begin with!

The week was difficult. Two procedures done to his arm creating massive pain that I couldn't control. Thirteen hours without food or water. One and half bottles of Motrin downed, only to find out it had been recalled and the general disappointment as my son realized he was limited. My quest to control the universe failed.

I cannot say I weathered this little storm with grace. There were many tears as old fears found a way out of the box I hastily bound them in. Judah's experience with being overdosed and nearly dieing, pushed me further than I thought I could go. It took a small army of friends and family and a giant dose of the word of God to keep me grounded.

Prayers were answered in so many ways down to the right doctors and friends I didn't know I had, quick procedure and healing time.

I prayed Psalms 34 over and over. I still do. Now I am asking Mason to learn something in this still and quiet time. I am asking him to praise God despite his circumstances. I know how hard this is first hand as I had to consciously praise God for his good work despite what I saw and felt all around me. But like I said it wasn't pretty. I dare not say that just because we had a hard week and a broken arm that I have somehow figured it out. I think I scratched by only by the grace of God. I realized that I myself am broken, sick in the spirit, limping with foundations that have been compromised way before the storm hit. So that is where I am now. Going back to where I started, finding balance, being still. Just like Mason, waiting for the splint to set me right, then waiting for the cast to come off so I can fly!

Some things that haunted me where my very words written on this blog several years ago, describing Judah's ordeal. I wrote that I would never trust doctors again. Funny how I didn't realize what I had proclaimed and how it would affect me in the future. As my dad pointed out, "It is not in doctors that we put our trust but in God"

Masson Broke His Arm

Big fat sigh. Mason broke his arm pretty bad on Friday. It has been a roller coaster of pain medication and appointments and emergency room visits and just general blah blah blah. I am learning a lot once more about what drives me and how I cope. I have some things to share as soon as I can put it into words. For now my sugar rants and so forth will just have to wait.

Rotten Teeth ( A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words)

I know I said I was going to write about the evils of agave nectar, but first I must interject this little comment.

I am not the first and only mom that tried to scare her kids into brushing their teeth properly by showing them scary internet pictures of other kids rotten teeth!

I simply googled "Rotten teeth..." and there came up a list of websites that were titled "Pictures of Kids Rotten Teeth" I didn't even have to go to an image search.

I quickly clicked on one to show my Nettie this morning and boy did it do the trick!!! (Of course it's Nettie and she would do anything to be beautiful) She high tailed it back to the bathroom leaving only a fear contrail in her wake! I LOVE IT. Fast and effective.

Now Mason and Abby are up and I will do the same for them. I am doing them a favor, the same favor my dad did when I was 8. It is called fear. He told me that he knew someone who was only 20 who lost all of their teeth and had to wear dentures! That was all it took for me to start brushing better. Well that is so old school, as now we have the internet and we don't have to leave it up to our imaginations to figure out what rotten teeth may look like. It's all right there in digital crystal clarity! I cringed as I viewed the teeth up close. My least favorite was the rotten teeth and the mustache. I will be kind enough to post the links for you mothers that decide to use this as a helpful tool. I will however spare the faint of heart from the gruesome reality of the actual pictures.

http://www.dental-health-index.com/picturesofbadteeth.html

Enjoy! (as dentists everywhere applaud my parenting!)

P.S. Just showed this to the older kids! I am laughing so hard!! (not because I am sadistic, but because it worked!!!) the pictures where met with shrieks and Mason burying his face into my chest, wanting to look but to afraid. I explained bacteria and what sugar does to your teeth. They both took off like a shot to brush after breakfast. The water is running and they will have clean teeth by 9 am. HELLO! Homeschool at its finest.

Final comment and warning.
Abby 6 years old "Be careful not to scrub the paint off your teeth that God gave you."

The Devil Is In The Cake

Okay so I am just sick of all of it. Since when did sugar become so evil? Since when did devils food cake actual have the real power to possess your body and make it do things it shouldn't do? Big Fat Sigh.

I ate the best piece of chocolate cake tonight and almost felt no twinge of guilt. Even with darkened past of my diabetic ancestors and my own blood sugar issues looming over me.

It was a cloudy and unseasonably cold day in Arizona today. The kind of day that demands a cozy treat and a cup of coffee. There I stood outside at the park hang out chatting with my dear friends and neighbors while our kids took advantage of the cool air. Talk rolled around to the different paths that would be taken in our foreseeable futures, the selling of our homes, the economy and the market. The clouds sighed as we paused in the cool breeze. I felt sad. Grey. I want to leave my neighborhood and I want to start our dream of a hobby farm, but these guys have been there for me for close to a decade.

It was just then that Kristy suggested cake. Okay, that sounds really good. Cake can almost solve anything or at least muffle the monsters within for a second. Hence the reason comfort food is called as such. We all agreed that it would be a wonderful idea and we would love to try her new Chocolate frosting recipe, which included melted chocolate chips butter and whole milk. We decided that we would hide it from he kids playing in the park, and the plan was set into motion.

I felt like I was doing something really naughty and with my blood sugar monitor on the fritz there was no electronic tattling box, proof of soaring numbers. ( I felt like I was cheating on it!) If I couldn't see it then it must not be real, right? I waited with an unnatural anticipation. Finally she returned with the most beautiful chocolate cake ever, but it's beauty lied within. The promise of a new recipe and knowing that my friend could bake.

I felt giddy and all the talk of short sale home failures and high mortgages vanished into the thick gray clouds above, mixing with their vapors far away from me my friends and the chocolate cake.

The slices she cut were huge and for my own sake I did request a smaller one. The first bite into the cake validated all my anticipation. It was by far the tasty cake I had ever had. The frosting was dark and cooled to perfection, not a typical butter cream but different, not to chocolaty but smooth. The cake itself was amazing, it was thick and moist at the same time. The kind of cake that sticks to your fork and you are left to collect every last crumb. I savored that moment with my friends. I shivered against the cold. We laughed as we quickly hid the plates in her car parked nearby when one of our children would approach.

I didn't feel too evil. My body didn't go into convulsive fits of rage. Is that wrong? The thought of sugar being the arch enemy and the feeder of all cancers only entered my mind one time. I swallowed my cake and dismissed it as fast as I could. We walked away happy, content if even for a moment. I made myself some decaf coffee and enjoyed the lingering moment.

I will write about how much sugar the average American consumes and the Agave Nectar scam tomorrow. For tonight I am going to dream of that cake. Get the recipe and make it sometime for some event and enjoy watching all my friends enjoy something delish and decadent. And then I will shamelessly enjoy the attention I am given for having baked such a wonderful piece of art.

Toilet Paper Tuesday

Well oddly enough I shrunk. I think it has to do with the time of the day I use the toilet paper to measure my tummy. Anyway last week was 11, and this week I am 10 1/2 squares big. I also weighed myself and I am just trying not to freak out, even though technically I am 16 weeks along and have gained a mere 5 pounds, I am not happy about this considering I started off 10 pounds heavier than my last kids. Think I maybe eating too much fat or something. Anyway off to do this day. We are going to work on reading fluency and spelling words. Oh the excitement.

Mommy Faint Heart

I always say parenting is not for the faint of heart. Well tonight my heart is faint. I am tired and I am severely craving a sugar cookie hot and straight from the oven. But thanks to my no sugar in the house policy, (really a safe guard for moments like these) I got nothing. Tonight as I type away my hot chocolate will have to do, a little unsweetened cocoa and a bit of sugar. Maybe a Life time for women movie and if I am lucky I will slip off into sweet dream land on the couch, unaware of the time, unaware of my growing belly, back ache and throbbing head.

Just a quick recap, because nobody needs to totally relive my life for the next 2 hours.

The day started off fairly normal. The kids did great job cleaning up so I told them we would go to the park to meet some friends. And because I am a thoughtful and frugal mother I would even forgo the drive through, and op for the healthier and less debit card consuming option of stopping by Safeway for Lunchables, which are a favorite with my kids and a treat to boot! Oh there was happiness all around as they readied themselves. I called my friend and told her we were on our way just a bit late.
Blah blah blah skip to the end.
I locked my keys in the car.
Well I am blaming Judah because he screamed in my ear as he had clamored to the front, well he didn't just scream he mocked me. That didn't go over to well. That and I was on the phone. My bad. Result of pregnancy brain and multiple distractions cost me 1 hour and 65 dollars.
We finally made it to the park.
My allergies were out of control the sun beat down without mercy and I should have known that my tan godess friend wouldn't sit in the shade! No hat, no sunglasses, nothing, I literally could feel the wrinkles digging deeper into my already aging skin. And I swear you could see the freckles popping out on my arms and chest. Hence the head ache.

We got home. Relaxed and all was well for a hot second. The kids decided that they did really want to go to church so at 5 pm so we started getting ready to make the 6 o'clock service. I took a phone call while trying to brush my teeth and throw back my hair. Abby comes to me and declares that she just ate an onion. I smile and say good job, while trying to cover the phone so my friend won't hear. Then she said she got the little kids to do it too. I pat her head and say what a good big sister she is, not really paying attention. Then she dissapears and comes back into my bathroom with a whole peeled white onion! Apparently she was very serious about this onion eating as the thing had been stripped of it's brown crinkly skin and massive bites were missing from its white flesh. Wow, she really ate the onion. No time to brush their teeth my children will have stinky breath and I sum it up with the thought that the onion itself in it's raw form is very good for curing colds, all of which we have. I managed to get Abby to wear a barrette and Mason to put on a clean shirt, tell Nettie she is not wearing knee high black boots with a sundress, and out we go!

We get to this brand new church, late, after I got lost and were welcomed nicely. I beamed as my kids walked in so cute and tidy. (at least for us) Everybody wanted to greet us and shook our hands warmly. They escorted us up to the kids area were all my kids would be together, once again they were welcomed and surrounded by all the other kids. The teacher looked mostly happy to see them. I kind of felt a twinge of guilt for having just unloaded four kids her way when I am sure she was secretly doing the inner happy dance having a such a small class.

Church was church. I got some decaf coffee and a piece of cake before picking up my little darlings. I had warned them nothing short of their lives not to embarrass me. ( Easter Sunday incident) When I went to retrieve them they were happily coloring and playing with puzzles. They looked like they had a great time. The teacher on the other hand, um... not so much. Her hair was frazzled and I could tell by the deflated balloons popped all over the room and markers scattered, that perhaps my kids had a little too much fun. Of course I asked the question that begged to be asked "How were they?" she half smiled and only replied, "Well next time I am not bringing balloons." I could see it in her eyes, she had the encounter with the B kids. It's kind of like coming face to face with a hurricane and living to tell about it. You are never the same and there are no words. The glossed over faded smile said it all.

I gathered my precious four little darlings up, made them say thank you and left as gracefully as one can with four kids who just did the "Father Abraham" dance. Needless to say they were a little hyper. I lined them up against the wall outside the class and once again threatened them within inches of their lives. They would walk down the stairs and follow me through the crowd and not push or run or jump. The Disney Land vacation was on the line for this one.

I was ecstatic as we passed through the doors, no incidents, no shoving just the mirage of well behaved children. The car was insight, the kids were close in tow, quietly behind me, when suddenly I hear my name. What the dickens??? There was a kind smile and a nice lady behind us walking towards me with her very prim daughter. I immediately told her I didn't know her. I figured it is just best to get some things right out there. Then she reminded me of who she was. Oh yes we have bumped into each other a few times, she was the homeschool mom, Bountiful Baskets Food Co op, adopted two children from Russia.... oh ya I remember now, the We Make History Civil War Renactment, her two kids were angelic while mine rolled around in the hay, throwing pieces of straw and handfuls of dust at each other and jumping from bale to bale occasionally on someones jacket.... oh ya. She never did call me...mmmmm wander why?? This is where history does repeat itself. Unfortunately.

Again her two kids were angelic. Standing with shirts buttoned an bows fastened to perfectly combed hair. Heck they were even wearing socks! I can't even get one of my kids to put underwear on. Not to mention the holes in the pants that I wasn't sure were exactly from the clean pile of unfolded laundry on the floor or the dirty pile. I just figured the smell of onion breath would trump the smell of dirt on jeans. We chatted it up for a bit, meanwhile my head is pounding, the kids sensing my weakness, took off. One headed for the road, twirling in circles of oblivious serenity while one ran in circles just to get dizzy, and two started climbing the faux rock columns that lined the entrance to the church. I grabbed one and threatened a spanking and then told him he wasn't going to Disney land, ( I meant it) then pulled two off the pillars and told them not to climb walls at church, holding one hand that refused to be held one more got away and ran into another one, the other one despite an apology turned and punched the other one. Meanwhile, visibly pregnant with 2.5 kids over the "kid limit" I made jokes about Benadryl and they laughed obliging my awkwardness. Then the oldest one came up and said, as we discussed my new pregnancy "My mom's pregnant, Cha ching Cha ching boom boom Fire power!" he then made a muscle man pose and pointed to my fat stomach. I chuckled uncomfortably and said "Well I don't know where he gets this stuff from" looking down at the asphalt much to ashamed to meet their gaze. I do know where he gets this stuff from, stupid TV, Night at the Museum and Cars mixed together. I knew exactly where he got it from. The disintegrated head he drew in Sunday school however was a surprise to me. (apparently Avatar) the teacher didn't seem to believe me when I told her he never saw the movie, he just saw one clip at Block Buster the other day. Her reply was "Really, that's a lot of violent detail for just one clip" I didn't even care that much about what she thought of me, I was more embarrassed of the Cha Ching, Fire power remark.

Finally we pulled away, after I am sure what looked like a freak show. I got into the car and turned the mean mommy voice on, the one that could double for the demon voice in a horror show. It is raspy and several octaves lower than my usual voice and is best used with popped out eyes and clenched teeth.

There were some discipline action at home along with what I like to refer to as "prison food" PB and J for dinner and a glass of milk.

Now time for bed. My head is still pounding and that movie is waiting for me. Maybe another glass of hot milk. Tomorrow in B land is waiting.

11 squares big

So I am sticking to that, which gives me four days ahead of myself. Anyway a friend of mine are prego together so we are keeping track, I am exactly 11 squares of toilet paper around, we will measure every Tuesday, she is 8. Well she is thinner than me to begin with so this should be fun.

Well here she is! 13 weeks, almost.

Ultra sound

Well yesterday I got another ultrasound. I am just about 13 weeks now. She is predicted to be a girl! I am not surprised. She was moving around, kicking and being so very cute. She actually looks like Mason from the profile.

I went to the doctor today and they squeezed me in. I am just so tired and weak. They took my blood in the office just to check my thyroid.

I will try to post some pictures of the ultra sound as soon as I figure out how to do it with our new scanner.

Tonight my story is not about one of the kids, it is about my husband. We are now in the fly season and the new compost pile doesn't help much. I cannot stand flys, not even a little bit. Gary was out and I begged him to pick up a fly swatter as ours is lost. So he came home and told me he decided to make a fly swatter because he didn't want to pay 3 dollars for something he could make. I roll my eyes, the kids think he is the bomb and Gary unloads a bunch of tools from his garage onto my family calendar and proceeds to spend the next 15 minutes constructing what he thinks he can actually patent as the worlds best fly swatter. Well he has killed several flys with it, but I still have my doubts and I am upset that he didn't bother to buy a back up in case his homemade version didn't work. Nettie could see I was upset at this mans antics and said that when she becomes a wife and a mom and her husbands makes her a fly swatter she would hug him and say thank you. I told her she is a better woman than I! Gary, triumphant in his fly swatter success and the obvious approval from the kids in the form of many cheers every time he hit a fly, said that I should be very happy he just saved 3 dollars to buy our first chicken for our farm. YEE HAW!!!

what can i say?

Really, what can I say? I feel like for weeks now I have been looking at the world through shaded goggles, the kind that are bug eyed and squeeze your brain with a giant elastic wrap around strap. Things just haven't been "normal" for me. I have lost interest in everything I once held dear to my heart. Some parts of those things were things I thought God was "calling" me to do, and they wrapped themselves tightly, like those goggles, around my soul. I can say now I am just not sure of anything anymore. Sooooo, I am just being quiet. Maybe it is hormones, maybe I'm still in shock or maybe God is just trying to settle me.

So, lets see what is going on now in me. Well I think I felt the baby kick for the first real time today, very cool, looking forward to more. The morning sickness and fatigue is wearing off and my hair looks great. Great, may not be the word, lets just say... My hair isn't falling out anymore! I actually smiled at the lady in line with me at Walgreens who wouldn't stop talking. I even smiled at a random kid at Peter Piper Pizza! wasn't even mine! normally I just don't have the energy. So maybe I am returning to my old self, who ever that is or was who knows?

We are super busy trying to buy this house, which for G and I represents a lifetime of dreams. He is already planning his beehive and researching solar panels, while I refuse to get too excited. To be honest though, mentally we have already moved in.

I see other people living their lives, moving on and doing great things, while I sit back and try not to get too fat. If my calling only takes me to a farm in the country raising 5 kids, then let me at least do it well Lord.

Moving right along....

Well life just happens. Ultrasound went well with the baby at 10 weeks, have one more at 12 weeks to do some testing, really the testing part doesn't worry me, I just want to see the baby again! I am hoping that at 13 weeks they can tell me what it is. Still feeling sick, trying to get over it. The exhaustion is brutal! I don't remember it being this hard. I got my blood work back but they said everything seemed fine. So I just need to trust in God and move forward. My sisters and mom are taking the kids on Wednesday so that will be a very nice break. We also got a new mattress, last night I slept much better! I am just going to jot down some funny things the kids said today so that one day we can look back and laugh.

Tonight Abby said that she wanted to make a list of things she shouldn't do when she gets older and put it in my treasure chest, so that when she is older she won't forget. Included on her list were things like "do not do drugs and do not smoke" I told her that God would guide her and be with her always and he would help her to remember not to do the wrong things. She told me that she has a bad memory and that God and a list would help her!

Mason is telling me all the time that he loves me and that he appreciates all that I do for him! He hugs me at dinner and is starting to realize how hard my job can be.

Judah and Nettie are doing well, they are very excited about homeschool and always beg me to spend time with them doing math and reading. I feel bad because I barely can take care of me right now so trying to meet everyone's needs is very hard. I can't imagine having more than five. I know we are done after this, unless God calls us to adopt when the kids are older, or at least some of them. At some point with this new baby I know she will be like an only child because of the age gap. That makes me sad. There is nothing I can do about that except adopt if that is in our future. I cannot be pregnant again, my body is worn out.

I still can't imagine this little one. I am looking forward to feeling her kick and move bout. Maybe then it will finally sink in.

Moving along

Well, I am coming to terms with my life now. Not completely but somewhat. I am now beginning my 8th week with this little one and I have had a few moments now of excitement. Still morning sick, and dizzy and very tired, which makes schooling and just about everything else difficult.

I am in the process of trying to figure out if I should homeschool the little ones or not. I don't feel like I can but then I can't see them in school either. I am just seeking God's wisdom in this matter. Everything in my life is on hold. I realize that I may not see Africa or any other place for a long time. Most of me is okay with that as I realize now my ministry is at home. Maybe it took 5 kids to do that to me.

It is sad as it seems I don't have time to help and comfort the people I once was. Everything is limited and my time especially seems to be focused on family. Somehow I have to fight feelings that I am letting God down. I know that isn't true but those are the lies I face. I guess I am drawn to the more showy and loud ministries, and staying home hidden and quiet is a challenge. But I think it is something I have been called too. It is not my will but Gods. If I live for him and do what he tells me then how can I go wrong? Well off to homeschool and get this day rolling.

Confusion

It looms darker than night right now, confusion. Am I am going to have this child or not? Some people who have never have had to deal with the pain of miscarriage can enter into pregnancy with high hopes and excitement. Me I am bracing for a car wreck. I am tired of bracing. How am I supposed to get through the next few weeks?

I had plans before this pregnancy. I was going to go to Ethiopa, now I may be looking at being a 40 year old mom to a three year old. The kind of love you feel with a child is so overwhelming, it washes over you and makes you a better person, but it can also bring with it the garbage of fear. Protection instincts can swallow you up and make you into a monster.

I don't know what the future holds for my family and there is no way of knowing anything today, so with tears in my eyes I have to just deal with what I have right now. This moment.

We are expecting

This will be fast because it is early in the morning and I need to get the day started. I found out a week ago that I am pregnant. This was a shock to me and some of my family, as expected as this littlest one was not expected. Currently I have hope and I am walking in some form of faith that it will all be okay, but with my history of miscarriage, there is a disconnect. I have a hard time believing it all. People who have never experienced miscarriage seem so innocent in their expectations and dreams. I am a little more guarded, even though we have told ever living soul there is to tell! The kids are excited as well and we all have a dream of this little child who is expected to be a girl. :) Just a feeling. I am praying for good health, for my thyroid and good levels of HCG. I was going to let things ride out but now I think that I need to go and have levels checked, that would be a good indicator of where I am and if I am going to be able to carry this one. Anyway in the honor of hope of dreams that sometimes come true I added this little widget, hopefully I won't have to take it down.

Face book throughout the year, comments

We found Abby late last night, curled up in the hallway on tile piled with clean laundry from a a basket that needed to be put away, sleeping her little head off. She was right when she said she didn't want to go to bed, I thought I heard coughing in the hallway last night. :) so cute. Nov 2009

Can you believe I made rice crispy treats for the first time in my whole life?? 36 years and this was the first time. :) very easy they looked hard for some reason, why haven't I done this before? Nov 2009

Great Value Quick Grits for breakfast..... Semola de maiz de coccion rapida. :) Enriched white hominy. Kids in the back ground begging, momma make grits hurry I want breakfast!! Nov 2009

Had the best night, took my Nettie on a mommie daughter date to Ethiopian fund raising dinner, it was as always very good, met some very nice people. Although I missed the speaker, former Prime Minister of Ethiopia I totally support what he is doing. Nov 29 2009

A case for life, we just don't know and this life is not in our hands, in the instance of this baby that was not supposed to survive birth, yet his mom carried him anyway and now he has surpassed all expections. Abortion isn't the answer there is a greater social/faith issue. Nov 2009

mash potatos are done, cranberries are boiling and now I have to find bathing suites as Aunti Pam has heated the pool!!! love living in AZ. Nov 26

Shannon Doherty, Renee Zelwiger, and me are all getting visibly "older" I remember 90210? when did this happen? Nov 25 2009

caution gross things about to be shared. You know you homeschool when your daughter discovers that her scab is starting to come of in the middle of roman history and tells everyone that she has a good idea for a science project...... you can guess.... then makes the innocent observation that it looks like beef jerky. ... Nov 24 2009

Load up on vit D, get your vitamins, take coconut oil and Menuka honey and get healthy. The future virus that are mutating from the H1N1 are bad, vaccines won't help you, in the Ukraine there is a H5N1 that is spreading and nobody is even talking about it. Just did some resarch, regardless it doesn't hurt to be healthy. Nov 24 2009

Abby is six years old tomorrow. Ya, why does she still feel the need to eat dog food??? Anyone, insight?? I do feed her. Nov 24 2009

Facebook comments

Laws of nature have been broken. Both Gary and I are sick with two kids verging on sick. Normally only one parent, if any at all are supposed to be sick. What's up with that? Dec 2009

Abby "OH YA I am the first one to find Chicken in my chicken soup, look look a piece of chicken!, oh wait that is just a noodle." said of Campbells "chicken" noodle soup. needless to say we made our own with tons of chicken. Dec 31 2009

Abby just looked at me longing and said "mom you are perfect, no other mom is like you, no other mom knows so much about God and healthy eating, there is no mom like you and I love you" Dec 26 2009

I know it was a lot to ask so much of you but doubt is a luxery we can't afford now, you are stronger than you think you are. "Incredibles" :) the one who doubts is like a wave tossed to and fro in the ocean,...James 1 Dec 2009

Gary is playing bop it with niece he is trying hard to beat my score of 89, ahahhah never, but then again he does fly 757's and he says that is cooler than bop it. then why do I hear him playing the game?????

sin will take you further than you ever thought you would go but Jesus our saviour will take you further than you ever thought you could go. Trust in him today, Trust Trust Trust. Dec 2009

Abby came running from her bedroom and said "mom Nettie is licking the jam off her toes and she is not even eating the toast!" do I want to know about her "toe jam" ? probably not. Dec 21 2009

Judah said that he likes his name Judah becuause it means the LION of JUDAH and lions can take down anything, then after a few seconds of thinking he said he wishes his name could be THE T REX OF JUDAH. Dec 2009

Operation Christmas Child was a success, the kids did so amazing!! Good to see friends and family afterwards, house all decked out for Christmas, hot chocolate, laughter and cheese cake!!! A little home alone four and off to church tomorrow~! Dec 12 2009

gary is fixing our dryer so it blows warm humidified air into our house to save money. He also taught Abby part of Miley Cyrus, Boom Da Clap dance, he is a man of many talents. Dec 10 2009

bby went on a date with Daddy, she really wanted to go to Food City because she never saw the inside of it. I am on the computer and she runs in and says "surrender or die" and she is pointing a stick at me,when I finally looked over she threatening me with a sugar cane bigger than her. Go figure Food City carries whole sugar canes. Dec 10 2009

Judah "I got a nose so I guess I'll pick it". should be a bumper sticker if you ask me. Dec 10 2009

32.7 and it is Phoenix. !!!! I could snow!!! Okay it happened like twice in my lifetime and three times if you count the sprinklers coming on in the middle of the night and everything freezing in balls ont he cactus and rock. Dec 2009

Abby thinks she lives in a hotel, she asked me "Mom when will breakfast be served?" and the other day she told me she would like to order three pairs of matching socks. Dec 7 2009

Abby asked me for grits for breakfast, grits for a snack, and just now again she said she sure was craving some grits but whatever would be fine for her. dec 2009

Gary found a cheeseburger outside that has been sitting for quite some time out doors (don't ask) , looks the same as when it was purchased, the funny thing is that no bugs or birds or cats or any living thing even attempted to eat the meaty treat for the week it sat outside on our wall. Why are we eating it? Dec 3 2009

pray for me those who pray, my heart is all tangly today. Dec 2 2009

warm homeade sugar cookies, hot decaf dunkin doughnut coffee, Dennnis the Menice Christmas movie, 4 quiet kids and a husband that is cleaning the toilets, !!! Can life get better? okay he is taking a coffee break don't feel so bad for him. Dec 1 2009

Survived Christmas

I did it. I survived Christmas. Every year I say that I am not going to get "into" it, but every year like this sinus infection I am currently dealing with, I get "into" it. Allbeit late, sorry haven't gotten cards out yet and my Christmas tree is now a fire hazard in my living room.

It was a good Christmas, busy as usual. For some reason I was unable to get my act together and that is the first time in many years that I have found myself scrambling at Christmas. I swear time is going faster than usual and I am feeling the effects of it.

New Year was uneventful, I don't even know if Gary was home. I can't even remember what I did or why all of sudden my computer is writing in italic? oh well. The kids had fun and that is all that counts. We are back onto homeschool and trying to just find the swing of things again.

I am grateful for each day I have with my family, every moment that passes is a moment owned, the rest just feels borrowed as time is moving faster and faster. It was just yesterday Mason was watching Jeff Corwin and Abby was wearing cloth diapers. We were waiting for Judah to come home, the anticipation this time four years ago was unbearable. Now in just a few days he will have been with us for four years! Sometimes it feels like I missed those years, they just disappeared under a mountain of diapers and screaming kids, demanding my attention. I know there had to be moments of quiet in the last four years but I can't seem to recall. I guess that is why I keep this blog to remember all the times the good and the bad. Life changed drastically when we adopted and I am glad for it.

Well I shall post a few pictures of Christmas and move on because as I speak one child has fallen asleep on the couch and three others are off being way to quiet and you all know what that means.