"More Love, More Power, More of You (God) in my life"
Do you know what you ask for when yo sing this song? It is a lot. Once I felt like God was sitting with me and in my heart He said "What do you want child, I will give you any gift right now in the whole world, just ask Me" I being wise, :) I asked for love. It says in God's word that Love is the greatest gift.
I being wise, figured that I had just got a free pass to the world. Because I know that love is the very power of God. Love is what heals, love is what saves, love is what makes right the wrong, love covers a multitude of sins, love cast out fear.
Sitting in church alone during the worship session, I figured I had "it" in the bag. Green light, no problems.
I was wrong.
As my father said, "Silly girl, love is a fruit, it has be grown."
I have learned that over the years. Often I have struggled and I still do. I set off to adopt. I was doing the right thing, I was doing a noble thing. I was going to make a difference. I was going to love another person's child as my own. Piece of cake.
I was wrong.
You see I have been challenged. I cannot change that I would not change that. Three years into the challenge I have grown tired. The bible says do not grow weary in doing good. But I have grown weary. Just the other day I cried and said I am hopeless. I have more hope for the orphans at Hope for the Hopeless than I do me and the relationship I have with my own child. I am tired.
I cannot love. What is the answer? What is the key? What is it that God wants me to learn? What am I doing wrong?
You have not because you ask not. In speaking with one of the most amazing ladies I know, this is her blog. I learned that I needed to ask for wisdom. So we prayed a while ago, and shared in Ephesians and James and I have been begging the Lord for wisdom regarding my child. I don't often do that, it seems vague. (sometimes it is easier to go to a book or a specialist or a friend) but God wants us to go to HIM the maker of all things.
Today was the most amazing day ever because I learned that God's love is so much better than my own. My own dries up and gets discouraged, my own love is not worth too much because when my own love is tested my own love fails. You can actually replace the word "Love" with "Compassion" because after today I know I do not have any of my "own love"
My compassion only goes enough to get me through, it goes far enough to fulfill my selfish wants of making others feel good, and helping and smiling at a job well done. There is a level of selfishness and self satisfaction in be a "do gooder" I am not saying that doing good things is wrong, but for me and myself I have to really go deeper and after a while it is that compassion that will fail you. It may happen in a few days, or a few months, in my case that compassion has gotten me by for a few years, 3 to be exact.
I will write the rest tomorrow. Just know that God has shown himself to me in a tangible way. For anyone who does not know my Jesus, let me tell you, He is LOVE. He is LOVE. He doesn't just, love, HE IS LOVE. Everything he does and every part of him is love. To have just a taste of perfect love on this earth is something that is hard to explain. I can tell you it is real, it is big, and it is something so separate of emotion and understanding. My human mind can barely grasp it. It is not a feeling it is not a wave of emotion. It is power. Gentle power to heal the hurt, the same gentle power that put himself on the cross is alive today and separate of our deeds and separate of our good works. I can see now how in the light of perfect love our "good deeds" are merely acts and that there is no possible way with the love of Christ to operate with true love. There is not a person good enough on this planet that can possibly stand as blameless as Jesus in his pure love. I can say with understanding the verse in the bible that says "Our righteousness is like a filthy rag" Jesus is the way he is the truth and he is life, he is the light we will someday stand before and he is LOVE.