Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I am not pregnant.

I am not pregnant, this thought hasn't really sunk in. Although the thought of being pregnant never did sink in. I think my mind is about three months behind my body. The other day I turned over in bed and fully expected a kick or jab, but there was nothing there. Instead she lay beside me, such a sweet warm bundle. Yet, I missed her being tucked away nicely inside of me where I could kind of control things a little bit, where love was more a mystery. Now I am alone, separate from her and the experience of her growing in me and now it is gone forever. I came to the realization that now my stomach is just that. A boring ol' stomach. There is nothing special about my pooch now, it is now longer cute and tight. It is no longer a baby bump, it is just a lump. I know that I will recover but I will hopefully never forget how it felt to carry her. I hope that I can always appreciate it, more than I did in the moment. I regret that. I regret that worry and fear kept me from fully enjoying the moment. I honestly didn't think I would get pregnant, or stay pregnant or give birth to a child that lived. Now she is here and absolutely amazing. All that worrying for nothing.

There are some things that I am glad I have back, my bladder being one of them. Of course I have traded my bladder for my breast, which are no longer mine. It seems I traded one leaky system for another. That's okay. My bottom half is almost fully recovered and I forgot how much post part-em recovery there is.

I actually want to have another baby. Crazy, but Serenity is the kind of girl that makes you want more. Okay gotta run.