Monday, February 8, 2010


It looms darker than night right now, confusion. Am I am going to have this child or not? Some people who have never have had to deal with the pain of miscarriage can enter into pregnancy with high hopes and excitement. Me I am bracing for a car wreck. I am tired of bracing. How am I supposed to get through the next few weeks?

I had plans before this pregnancy. I was going to go to Ethiopa, now I may be looking at being a 40 year old mom to a three year old. The kind of love you feel with a child is so overwhelming, it washes over you and makes you a better person, but it can also bring with it the garbage of fear. Protection instincts can swallow you up and make you into a monster.

I don't know what the future holds for my family and there is no way of knowing anything today, so with tears in my eyes I have to just deal with what I have right now. This moment.