Friday, February 19, 2010

Moving along

Well, I am coming to terms with my life now. Not completely but somewhat. I am now beginning my 8th week with this little one and I have had a few moments now of excitement. Still morning sick, and dizzy and very tired, which makes schooling and just about everything else difficult.

I am in the process of trying to figure out if I should homeschool the little ones or not. I don't feel like I can but then I can't see them in school either. I am just seeking God's wisdom in this matter. Everything in my life is on hold. I realize that I may not see Africa or any other place for a long time. Most of me is okay with that as I realize now my ministry is at home. Maybe it took 5 kids to do that to me.

It is sad as it seems I don't have time to help and comfort the people I once was. Everything is limited and my time especially seems to be focused on family. Somehow I have to fight feelings that I am letting God down. I know that isn't true but those are the lies I face. I guess I am drawn to the more showy and loud ministries, and staying home hidden and quiet is a challenge. But I think it is something I have been called too. It is not my will but Gods. If I live for him and do what he tells me then how can I go wrong? Well off to homeschool and get this day rolling.

Monday, February 8, 2010


It looms darker than night right now, confusion. Am I am going to have this child or not? Some people who have never have had to deal with the pain of miscarriage can enter into pregnancy with high hopes and excitement. Me I am bracing for a car wreck. I am tired of bracing. How am I supposed to get through the next few weeks?

I had plans before this pregnancy. I was going to go to Ethiopa, now I may be looking at being a 40 year old mom to a three year old. The kind of love you feel with a child is so overwhelming, it washes over you and makes you a better person, but it can also bring with it the garbage of fear. Protection instincts can swallow you up and make you into a monster.

I don't know what the future holds for my family and there is no way of knowing anything today, so with tears in my eyes I have to just deal with what I have right now. This moment.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

We are expecting

This will be fast because it is early in the morning and I need to get the day started. I found out a week ago that I am pregnant. This was a shock to me and some of my family, as expected as this littlest one was not expected. Currently I have hope and I am walking in some form of faith that it will all be okay, but with my history of miscarriage, there is a disconnect. I have a hard time believing it all. People who have never experienced miscarriage seem so innocent in their expectations and dreams. I am a little more guarded, even though we have told ever living soul there is to tell! The kids are excited as well and we all have a dream of this little child who is expected to be a girl. :) Just a feeling. I am praying for good health, for my thyroid and good levels of HCG. I was going to let things ride out but now I think that I need to go and have levels checked, that would be a good indicator of where I am and if I am going to be able to carry this one. Anyway in the honor of hope of dreams that sometimes come true I added this little widget, hopefully I won't have to take it down.