Sunday, April 18, 2010

Mommy Faint Heart

I always say parenting is not for the faint of heart. Well tonight my heart is faint. I am tired and I am severely craving a sugar cookie hot and straight from the oven. But thanks to my no sugar in the house policy, (really a safe guard for moments like these) I got nothing. Tonight as I type away my hot chocolate will have to do, a little unsweetened cocoa and a bit of sugar. Maybe a Life time for women movie and if I am lucky I will slip off into sweet dream land on the couch, unaware of the time, unaware of my growing belly, back ache and throbbing head.

Just a quick recap, because nobody needs to totally relive my life for the next 2 hours.

The day started off fairly normal. The kids did great job cleaning up so I told them we would go to the park to meet some friends. And because I am a thoughtful and frugal mother I would even forgo the drive through, and op for the healthier and less debit card consuming option of stopping by Safeway for Lunchables, which are a favorite with my kids and a treat to boot! Oh there was happiness all around as they readied themselves. I called my friend and told her we were on our way just a bit late.
Blah blah blah skip to the end.
I locked my keys in the car.
Well I am blaming Judah because he screamed in my ear as he had clamored to the front, well he didn't just scream he mocked me. That didn't go over to well. That and I was on the phone. My bad. Result of pregnancy brain and multiple distractions cost me 1 hour and 65 dollars.
We finally made it to the park.
My allergies were out of control the sun beat down without mercy and I should have known that my tan godess friend wouldn't sit in the shade! No hat, no sunglasses, nothing, I literally could feel the wrinkles digging deeper into my already aging skin. And I swear you could see the freckles popping out on my arms and chest. Hence the head ache.

We got home. Relaxed and all was well for a hot second. The kids decided that they did really want to go to church so at 5 pm so we started getting ready to make the 6 o'clock service. I took a phone call while trying to brush my teeth and throw back my hair. Abby comes to me and declares that she just ate an onion. I smile and say good job, while trying to cover the phone so my friend won't hear. Then she said she got the little kids to do it too. I pat her head and say what a good big sister she is, not really paying attention. Then she dissapears and comes back into my bathroom with a whole peeled white onion! Apparently she was very serious about this onion eating as the thing had been stripped of it's brown crinkly skin and massive bites were missing from its white flesh. Wow, she really ate the onion. No time to brush their teeth my children will have stinky breath and I sum it up with the thought that the onion itself in it's raw form is very good for curing colds, all of which we have. I managed to get Abby to wear a barrette and Mason to put on a clean shirt, tell Nettie she is not wearing knee high black boots with a sundress, and out we go!

We get to this brand new church, late, after I got lost and were welcomed nicely. I beamed as my kids walked in so cute and tidy. (at least for us) Everybody wanted to greet us and shook our hands warmly. They escorted us up to the kids area were all my kids would be together, once again they were welcomed and surrounded by all the other kids. The teacher looked mostly happy to see them. I kind of felt a twinge of guilt for having just unloaded four kids her way when I am sure she was secretly doing the inner happy dance having a such a small class.

Church was church. I got some decaf coffee and a piece of cake before picking up my little darlings. I had warned them nothing short of their lives not to embarrass me. ( Easter Sunday incident) When I went to retrieve them they were happily coloring and playing with puzzles. They looked like they had a great time. The teacher on the other hand, um... not so much. Her hair was frazzled and I could tell by the deflated balloons popped all over the room and markers scattered, that perhaps my kids had a little too much fun. Of course I asked the question that begged to be asked "How were they?" she half smiled and only replied, "Well next time I am not bringing balloons." I could see it in her eyes, she had the encounter with the B kids. It's kind of like coming face to face with a hurricane and living to tell about it. You are never the same and there are no words. The glossed over faded smile said it all.

I gathered my precious four little darlings up, made them say thank you and left as gracefully as one can with four kids who just did the "Father Abraham" dance. Needless to say they were a little hyper. I lined them up against the wall outside the class and once again threatened them within inches of their lives. They would walk down the stairs and follow me through the crowd and not push or run or jump. The Disney Land vacation was on the line for this one.

I was ecstatic as we passed through the doors, no incidents, no shoving just the mirage of well behaved children. The car was insight, the kids were close in tow, quietly behind me, when suddenly I hear my name. What the dickens??? There was a kind smile and a nice lady behind us walking towards me with her very prim daughter. I immediately told her I didn't know her. I figured it is just best to get some things right out there. Then she reminded me of who she was. Oh yes we have bumped into each other a few times, she was the homeschool mom, Bountiful Baskets Food Co op, adopted two children from Russia.... oh ya I remember now, the We Make History Civil War Renactment, her two kids were angelic while mine rolled around in the hay, throwing pieces of straw and handfuls of dust at each other and jumping from bale to bale occasionally on someones jacket.... oh ya. She never did call me...mmmmm wander why?? This is where history does repeat itself. Unfortunately.

Again her two kids were angelic. Standing with shirts buttoned an bows fastened to perfectly combed hair. Heck they were even wearing socks! I can't even get one of my kids to put underwear on. Not to mention the holes in the pants that I wasn't sure were exactly from the clean pile of unfolded laundry on the floor or the dirty pile. I just figured the smell of onion breath would trump the smell of dirt on jeans. We chatted it up for a bit, meanwhile my head is pounding, the kids sensing my weakness, took off. One headed for the road, twirling in circles of oblivious serenity while one ran in circles just to get dizzy, and two started climbing the faux rock columns that lined the entrance to the church. I grabbed one and threatened a spanking and then told him he wasn't going to Disney land, ( I meant it) then pulled two off the pillars and told them not to climb walls at church, holding one hand that refused to be held one more got away and ran into another one, the other one despite an apology turned and punched the other one. Meanwhile, visibly pregnant with 2.5 kids over the "kid limit" I made jokes about Benadryl and they laughed obliging my awkwardness. Then the oldest one came up and said, as we discussed my new pregnancy "My mom's pregnant, Cha ching Cha ching boom boom Fire power!" he then made a muscle man pose and pointed to my fat stomach. I chuckled uncomfortably and said "Well I don't know where he gets this stuff from" looking down at the asphalt much to ashamed to meet their gaze. I do know where he gets this stuff from, stupid TV, Night at the Museum and Cars mixed together. I knew exactly where he got it from. The disintegrated head he drew in Sunday school however was a surprise to me. (apparently Avatar) the teacher didn't seem to believe me when I told her he never saw the movie, he just saw one clip at Block Buster the other day. Her reply was "Really, that's a lot of violent detail for just one clip" I didn't even care that much about what she thought of me, I was more embarrassed of the Cha Ching, Fire power remark.

Finally we pulled away, after I am sure what looked like a freak show. I got into the car and turned the mean mommy voice on, the one that could double for the demon voice in a horror show. It is raspy and several octaves lower than my usual voice and is best used with popped out eyes and clenched teeth.

There were some discipline action at home along with what I like to refer to as "prison food" PB and J for dinner and a glass of milk.

Now time for bed. My head is still pounding and that movie is waiting for me. Maybe another glass of hot milk. Tomorrow in B land is waiting.


  1. Oh my friend, this was the best thing I have read all day. LOL. Breathe. Close your eyes and breathe.
    love ya tons!

  2. I forgot to add the kids ate an onion, like literally ate one.

  3. Oh, Kim, I totally know how you felt when that lady stopped to chat with you. When people stop me like that on the way to the car or in a store I can see my kids minds spinning as they think of what they can do/say while I'm trapped! Can't they see it's not a fine time for a long chat? And the other day Ruby asked someone if "she is Darlene's mom" when Darlene is 25 years OLDER than her. Hang in there, girl. And take care of that baby in your belly!

  4. Thanks Rebecca! you know they are priceless and these moments only moments. I actually write this stuff so that soon I can print out this blog and keep it for them on paper, proof of their antics! I am hoping for mothers day Gary will do that for me. It was funny cause I could see the car and I was like "yes, we did it!" then I got stopped. life, it happens.