Mommy Faint Heart

I always say parenting is not for the faint of heart. Well tonight my heart is faint. I am tired and I am severely craving a sugar cookie hot and straight from the oven. But thanks to my no sugar in the house policy, (really a safe guard for moments like these) I got nothing. Tonight as I type away my hot chocolate will have to do, a little unsweetened cocoa and a bit of sugar. Maybe a Life time for women movie and if I am lucky I will slip off into sweet dream land on the couch, unaware of the time, unaware of my growing belly, back ache and throbbing head.

Just a quick recap, because nobody needs to totally relive my life for the next 2 hours.

The day started off fairly normal. The kids did great job cleaning up so I told them we would go to the park to meet some friends. And because I am a thoughtful and frugal mother I would even forgo the drive through, and op for the healthier and less debit card consuming option of stopping by Safeway for Lunchables, which are a favorite with my kids and a treat to boot! Oh there was happiness all around as they readied themselves. I called my friend and told her we were on our way just a bit late.
Blah blah blah skip to the end.
I locked my keys in the car.
Well I am blaming Judah because he screamed in my ear as he had clamored to the front, well he didn't just scream he mocked me. That didn't go over to well. That and I was on the phone. My bad. Result of pregnancy brain and multiple distractions cost me 1 hour and 65 dollars.
We finally made it to the park.
My allergies were out of control the sun beat down without mercy and I should have known that my tan godess friend wouldn't sit in the shade! No hat, no sunglasses, nothing, I literally could feel the wrinkles digging deeper into my already aging skin. And I swear you could see the freckles popping out on my arms and chest. Hence the head ache.

We got home. Relaxed and all was well for a hot second. The kids decided that they did really want to go to church so at 5 pm so we started getting ready to make the 6 o'clock service. I took a phone call while trying to brush my teeth and throw back my hair. Abby comes to me and declares that she just ate an onion. I smile and say good job, while trying to cover the phone so my friend won't hear. Then she said she got the little kids to do it too. I pat her head and say what a good big sister she is, not really paying attention. Then she dissapears and comes back into my bathroom with a whole peeled white onion! Apparently she was very serious about this onion eating as the thing had been stripped of it's brown crinkly skin and massive bites were missing from its white flesh. Wow, she really ate the onion. No time to brush their teeth my children will have stinky breath and I sum it up with the thought that the onion itself in it's raw form is very good for curing colds, all of which we have. I managed to get Abby to wear a barrette and Mason to put on a clean shirt, tell Nettie she is not wearing knee high black boots with a sundress, and out we go!

We get to this brand new church, late, after I got lost and were welcomed nicely. I beamed as my kids walked in so cute and tidy. (at least for us) Everybody wanted to greet us and shook our hands warmly. They escorted us up to the kids area were all my kids would be together, once again they were welcomed and surrounded by all the other kids. The teacher looked mostly happy to see them. I kind of felt a twinge of guilt for having just unloaded four kids her way when I am sure she was secretly doing the inner happy dance having a such a small class.

Church was church. I got some decaf coffee and a piece of cake before picking up my little darlings. I had warned them nothing short of their lives not to embarrass me. ( Easter Sunday incident) When I went to retrieve them they were happily coloring and playing with puzzles. They looked like they had a great time. The teacher on the other hand, um... not so much. Her hair was frazzled and I could tell by the deflated balloons popped all over the room and markers scattered, that perhaps my kids had a little too much fun. Of course I asked the question that begged to be asked "How were they?" she half smiled and only replied, "Well next time I am not bringing balloons." I could see it in her eyes, she had the encounter with the B kids. It's kind of like coming face to face with a hurricane and living to tell about it. You are never the same and there are no words. The glossed over faded smile said it all.

I gathered my precious four little darlings up, made them say thank you and left as gracefully as one can with four kids who just did the "Father Abraham" dance. Needless to say they were a little hyper. I lined them up against the wall outside the class and once again threatened them within inches of their lives. They would walk down the stairs and follow me through the crowd and not push or run or jump. The Disney Land vacation was on the line for this one.

I was ecstatic as we passed through the doors, no incidents, no shoving just the mirage of well behaved children. The car was insight, the kids were close in tow, quietly behind me, when suddenly I hear my name. What the dickens??? There was a kind smile and a nice lady behind us walking towards me with her very prim daughter. I immediately told her I didn't know her. I figured it is just best to get some things right out there. Then she reminded me of who she was. Oh yes we have bumped into each other a few times, she was the homeschool mom, Bountiful Baskets Food Co op, adopted two children from Russia.... oh ya I remember now, the We Make History Civil War Renactment, her two kids were angelic while mine rolled around in the hay, throwing pieces of straw and handfuls of dust at each other and jumping from bale to bale occasionally on someones jacket.... oh ya. She never did call me...mmmmm wander why?? This is where history does repeat itself. Unfortunately.

Again her two kids were angelic. Standing with shirts buttoned an bows fastened to perfectly combed hair. Heck they were even wearing socks! I can't even get one of my kids to put underwear on. Not to mention the holes in the pants that I wasn't sure were exactly from the clean pile of unfolded laundry on the floor or the dirty pile. I just figured the smell of onion breath would trump the smell of dirt on jeans. We chatted it up for a bit, meanwhile my head is pounding, the kids sensing my weakness, took off. One headed for the road, twirling in circles of oblivious serenity while one ran in circles just to get dizzy, and two started climbing the faux rock columns that lined the entrance to the church. I grabbed one and threatened a spanking and then told him he wasn't going to Disney land, ( I meant it) then pulled two off the pillars and told them not to climb walls at church, holding one hand that refused to be held one more got away and ran into another one, the other one despite an apology turned and punched the other one. Meanwhile, visibly pregnant with 2.5 kids over the "kid limit" I made jokes about Benadryl and they laughed obliging my awkwardness. Then the oldest one came up and said, as we discussed my new pregnancy "My mom's pregnant, Cha ching Cha ching boom boom Fire power!" he then made a muscle man pose and pointed to my fat stomach. I chuckled uncomfortably and said "Well I don't know where he gets this stuff from" looking down at the asphalt much to ashamed to meet their gaze. I do know where he gets this stuff from, stupid TV, Night at the Museum and Cars mixed together. I knew exactly where he got it from. The disintegrated head he drew in Sunday school however was a surprise to me. (apparently Avatar) the teacher didn't seem to believe me when I told her he never saw the movie, he just saw one clip at Block Buster the other day. Her reply was "Really, that's a lot of violent detail for just one clip" I didn't even care that much about what she thought of me, I was more embarrassed of the Cha Ching, Fire power remark.

Finally we pulled away, after I am sure what looked like a freak show. I got into the car and turned the mean mommy voice on, the one that could double for the demon voice in a horror show. It is raspy and several octaves lower than my usual voice and is best used with popped out eyes and clenched teeth.

There were some discipline action at home along with what I like to refer to as "prison food" PB and J for dinner and a glass of milk.

Now time for bed. My head is still pounding and that movie is waiting for me. Maybe another glass of hot milk. Tomorrow in B land is waiting.

11 squares big

So I am sticking to that, which gives me four days ahead of myself. Anyway a friend of mine are prego together so we are keeping track, I am exactly 11 squares of toilet paper around, we will measure every Tuesday, she is 8. Well she is thinner than me to begin with so this should be fun.

Well here she is! 13 weeks, almost.

Ultra sound

Well yesterday I got another ultrasound. I am just about 13 weeks now. She is predicted to be a girl! I am not surprised. She was moving around, kicking and being so very cute. She actually looks like Mason from the profile.

I went to the doctor today and they squeezed me in. I am just so tired and weak. They took my blood in the office just to check my thyroid.

I will try to post some pictures of the ultra sound as soon as I figure out how to do it with our new scanner.

Tonight my story is not about one of the kids, it is about my husband. We are now in the fly season and the new compost pile doesn't help much. I cannot stand flys, not even a little bit. Gary was out and I begged him to pick up a fly swatter as ours is lost. So he came home and told me he decided to make a fly swatter because he didn't want to pay 3 dollars for something he could make. I roll my eyes, the kids think he is the bomb and Gary unloads a bunch of tools from his garage onto my family calendar and proceeds to spend the next 15 minutes constructing what he thinks he can actually patent as the worlds best fly swatter. Well he has killed several flys with it, but I still have my doubts and I am upset that he didn't bother to buy a back up in case his homemade version didn't work. Nettie could see I was upset at this mans antics and said that when she becomes a wife and a mom and her husbands makes her a fly swatter she would hug him and say thank you. I told her she is a better woman than I! Gary, triumphant in his fly swatter success and the obvious approval from the kids in the form of many cheers every time he hit a fly, said that I should be very happy he just saved 3 dollars to buy our first chicken for our farm. YEE HAW!!!

what can i say?

Really, what can I say? I feel like for weeks now I have been looking at the world through shaded goggles, the kind that are bug eyed and squeeze your brain with a giant elastic wrap around strap. Things just haven't been "normal" for me. I have lost interest in everything I once held dear to my heart. Some parts of those things were things I thought God was "calling" me to do, and they wrapped themselves tightly, like those goggles, around my soul. I can say now I am just not sure of anything anymore. Sooooo, I am just being quiet. Maybe it is hormones, maybe I'm still in shock or maybe God is just trying to settle me.

So, lets see what is going on now in me. Well I think I felt the baby kick for the first real time today, very cool, looking forward to more. The morning sickness and fatigue is wearing off and my hair looks great. Great, may not be the word, lets just say... My hair isn't falling out anymore! I actually smiled at the lady in line with me at Walgreens who wouldn't stop talking. I even smiled at a random kid at Peter Piper Pizza! wasn't even mine! normally I just don't have the energy. So maybe I am returning to my old self, who ever that is or was who knows?

We are super busy trying to buy this house, which for G and I represents a lifetime of dreams. He is already planning his beehive and researching solar panels, while I refuse to get too excited. To be honest though, mentally we have already moved in.

I see other people living their lives, moving on and doing great things, while I sit back and try not to get too fat. If my calling only takes me to a farm in the country raising 5 kids, then let me at least do it well Lord.

Moving right along....

Well life just happens. Ultrasound went well with the baby at 10 weeks, have one more at 12 weeks to do some testing, really the testing part doesn't worry me, I just want to see the baby again! I am hoping that at 13 weeks they can tell me what it is. Still feeling sick, trying to get over it. The exhaustion is brutal! I don't remember it being this hard. I got my blood work back but they said everything seemed fine. So I just need to trust in God and move forward. My sisters and mom are taking the kids on Wednesday so that will be a very nice break. We also got a new mattress, last night I slept much better! I am just going to jot down some funny things the kids said today so that one day we can look back and laugh.

Tonight Abby said that she wanted to make a list of things she shouldn't do when she gets older and put it in my treasure chest, so that when she is older she won't forget. Included on her list were things like "do not do drugs and do not smoke" I told her that God would guide her and be with her always and he would help her to remember not to do the wrong things. She told me that she has a bad memory and that God and a list would help her!

Mason is telling me all the time that he loves me and that he appreciates all that I do for him! He hugs me at dinner and is starting to realize how hard my job can be.

Judah and Nettie are doing well, they are very excited about homeschool and always beg me to spend time with them doing math and reading. I feel bad because I barely can take care of me right now so trying to meet everyone's needs is very hard. I can't imagine having more than five. I know we are done after this, unless God calls us to adopt when the kids are older, or at least some of them. At some point with this new baby I know she will be like an only child because of the age gap. That makes me sad. There is nothing I can do about that except adopt if that is in our future. I cannot be pregnant again, my body is worn out.

I still can't imagine this little one. I am looking forward to feeling her kick and move bout. Maybe then it will finally sink in.

Moving along

Well, I am coming to terms with my life now. Not completely but somewhat. I am now beginning my 8th week with this little one and I have had a few moments now of excitement. Still morning sick, and dizzy and very tired, which makes schooling and just about everything else difficult.

I am in the process of trying to figure out if I should homeschool the little ones or not. I don't feel like I can but then I can't see them in school either. I am just seeking God's wisdom in this matter. Everything in my life is on hold. I realize that I may not see Africa or any other place for a long time. Most of me is okay with that as I realize now my ministry is at home. Maybe it took 5 kids to do that to me.

It is sad as it seems I don't have time to help and comfort the people I once was. Everything is limited and my time especially seems to be focused on family. Somehow I have to fight feelings that I am letting God down. I know that isn't true but those are the lies I face. I guess I am drawn to the more showy and loud ministries, and staying home hidden and quiet is a challenge. But I think it is something I have been called too. It is not my will but Gods. If I live for him and do what he tells me then how can I go wrong? Well off to homeschool and get this day rolling.

Confusion

It looms darker than night right now, confusion. Am I am going to have this child or not? Some people who have never have had to deal with the pain of miscarriage can enter into pregnancy with high hopes and excitement. Me I am bracing for a car wreck. I am tired of bracing. How am I supposed to get through the next few weeks?

I had plans before this pregnancy. I was going to go to Ethiopa, now I may be looking at being a 40 year old mom to a three year old. The kind of love you feel with a child is so overwhelming, it washes over you and makes you a better person, but it can also bring with it the garbage of fear. Protection instincts can swallow you up and make you into a monster.

I don't know what the future holds for my family and there is no way of knowing anything today, so with tears in my eyes I have to just deal with what I have right now. This moment.

We are expecting

This will be fast because it is early in the morning and I need to get the day started. I found out a week ago that I am pregnant. This was a shock to me and some of my family, as expected as this littlest one was not expected. Currently I have hope and I am walking in some form of faith that it will all be okay, but with my history of miscarriage, there is a disconnect. I have a hard time believing it all. People who have never experienced miscarriage seem so innocent in their expectations and dreams. I am a little more guarded, even though we have told ever living soul there is to tell! The kids are excited as well and we all have a dream of this little child who is expected to be a girl. :) Just a feeling. I am praying for good health, for my thyroid and good levels of HCG. I was going to let things ride out but now I think that I need to go and have levels checked, that would be a good indicator of where I am and if I am going to be able to carry this one. Anyway in the honor of hope of dreams that sometimes come true I added this little widget, hopefully I won't have to take it down.

Face book throughout the year, comments

We found Abby late last night, curled up in the hallway on tile piled with clean laundry from a a basket that needed to be put away, sleeping her little head off. She was right when she said she didn't want to go to bed, I thought I heard coughing in the hallway last night. :) so cute. Nov 2009

Can you believe I made rice crispy treats for the first time in my whole life?? 36 years and this was the first time. :) very easy they looked hard for some reason, why haven't I done this before? Nov 2009

Great Value Quick Grits for breakfast..... Semola de maiz de coccion rapida. :) Enriched white hominy. Kids in the back ground begging, momma make grits hurry I want breakfast!! Nov 2009

Had the best night, took my Nettie on a mommie daughter date to Ethiopian fund raising dinner, it was as always very good, met some very nice people. Although I missed the speaker, former Prime Minister of Ethiopia I totally support what he is doing. Nov 29 2009

A case for life, we just don't know and this life is not in our hands, in the instance of this baby that was not supposed to survive birth, yet his mom carried him anyway and now he has surpassed all expections. Abortion isn't the answer there is a greater social/faith issue. Nov 2009

mash potatos are done, cranberries are boiling and now I have to find bathing suites as Aunti Pam has heated the pool!!! love living in AZ. Nov 26

Shannon Doherty, Renee Zelwiger, and me are all getting visibly "older" I remember 90210? when did this happen? Nov 25 2009

caution gross things about to be shared. You know you homeschool when your daughter discovers that her scab is starting to come of in the middle of roman history and tells everyone that she has a good idea for a science project...... you can guess.... then makes the innocent observation that it looks like beef jerky. ... Nov 24 2009

Load up on vit D, get your vitamins, take coconut oil and Menuka honey and get healthy. The future virus that are mutating from the H1N1 are bad, vaccines won't help you, in the Ukraine there is a H5N1 that is spreading and nobody is even talking about it. Just did some resarch, regardless it doesn't hurt to be healthy. Nov 24 2009

Abby is six years old tomorrow. Ya, why does she still feel the need to eat dog food??? Anyone, insight?? I do feed her. Nov 24 2009