Mama Mia Day

Good grief. Has there been a worse mothers day in 7 years I have had the privileged of being a mom. MMMMM let me think.............

NO! no there hasn't

Well the day started off innocent enough. Abby was the first to remember it was my day. That is an oxymoron, Mothers day? really come on, does that exist?

My head was pounding but I proceeded to let all the kids fight over who was going to put lotion on my legs, meanwhile they are digging in my jewelry box to find a necklace I should wear. Mason was in the kitchen trying his best in a helpless male sort of way to microwave frozen omelets that I bought the day before because I wanted to set them up for success. But the frozen egg thing wasn't working out for Mason, ending in much screaming at me from the kitchen, while Nettie slathered hotel lotion not only on my eye lids, but in my eyes. Finally I got up. I make breakfast, I stop the arguing, I try to find a clean dish. You may ask "Where is Gary?" well let me tell you, he was in Hawaii. To give him some credit he was on his way home. I told him not to worry about a gift, our love was a gift enough, blah just kidding. I told him a week ago to get the kids together and make me a card. Did it happen? No. I thought somewhere, as I scrambled to get the kids ready for church by myself, that maybe he brought me a card or something from Hawaii. No. In fact when he called he didn't even remember. Niccccceeeeee.

He got home, blah blah blah, I tried not to be mad, blah blah blah, didn't work. As Abby screamed out of control, something about pants, I realized, as I did laundry that someones orange crayon made it's way into the dryer, ruining one of my favorite shirts, the one I was going to wear to church. I didn't let the orange crayon thing get me down, I would still wear the shirt. I put it on, then as I walked into the bedroom the shirt caught up on the door handle ripping a huge hole in it! When I was just at the point of tears I realized that I didn't even have my shirt on the right way! It was inside out. That is about the time I lost it. That is about the time my mom called. As I talked to her I couldn't hold back the tears and all the make up I put on, and let me tell you it was a lot because it was a special occasion and even though I was going to church by myself I wanted to feel good. Well a puddle of eyeliner and mascara later I wasn't feeling good. Now the flood gates where opened, my feelings totally hurt. I think out of fear Gary decided to go to church with me, even though he had flown all night. I sat in the back with Abby. It was at this point the injury and injustice stabbed. The phone rang and I overheard him telling his brother that he called his mom this morning and already wished her a Happy's mother day. See, funny thing, when he called me on his way home this morning, apparantly AFTER he called his mom, he forgot to wish me a Happy's mother day.

You know I am still hurt, I still have a headache, life goes on. I am making lunch and cleaning you know doing mother things. But let me tell you something. I am mad at Hallmark and the media for pumping this mom up to the level where I think I should have a day, because the disappointment in not being remembered by my husband on mothers day, the disappointment of buying my own frozen breakfast and my own flowers is too much for this mom. It would be all the same if this day didn't exist. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow but for now I stand with all the women who don't like this day. Who don't fit into this day. I know you are out there. You are not alone. I am boycotting mothers day, care to join me?? No? didn't think so lucky girls. :)

My works

³Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.

Proverbs 16:3

Often times I try this the other way around. I try so hard to "think" my way out of something or into something. I think and analyze until I drive myself nuts and everyone else around me. All God is asking from me today is to commit my plans to him. Just hand over what I think is mine. It takes trust, obedience, willingness to really give your "works" to him. After I submit my day my plans and my life, then my thoughts will be established, grounded and focused on God's heart.

When I was on the plane coming back from Hawaii, I was so tired. The lights were out, 150 people sleeping including me and the kids. Then I was startled awake by a child who just burst out crying. I can't say I was irritated, that wasn't really it, actually it felt normal, being a mom I am used to waking up suddenly to children crying. It took a few seconds but I was pretty bummed because I don't really sleep on planes and now I wandered if I could sleep at all. I felt "sorry" for the parents but that was about it. I wasn't mad but I wanted to sleep so I began to pray really from that "feel sorry" place. There was some level of compassion but mostly I wanted the kid to be quiet so I could sleep. As I prayed for them I was convicted of my deeper motives. Feeling sorry for them wasn't what they needed, they needed me to pray for them from a true heart, one established in God and HIS desire for them, not mine. I immediately said sorry to God for having wrong motives, and I began to pray for them from a different point of compassion than one of pity. It was a compassion bigger than me and bigger than the 757. The child immediately quieted down. The parents didn't know who I was or that I was praying for them, but I know my God heard me and answered me. God spoke to me softly as I drifted off to sleep once again. "Prayers prayed with MY heart are effective" I had to wander later how many times I pray for someone with the wrong motives even if they seemed right. Only God knows our motives and only God can reveal them to us. Give your "works" prayers, day, homeschool, kids, relationships, all that we have and God will establish our thoughts, he will give us his mind and then we can be effective, more effective because we truly have lined up with His mind for us in submission.

God's love

"More Love, More Power, More of You (God) in my life"

Do you know what you ask for when yo sing this song? It is a lot. Once I felt like God was sitting with me and in my heart He said "What do you want child, I will give you any gift right now in the whole world, just ask Me" I being wise, :) I asked for love. It says in God's word that Love is the greatest gift.

I being wise, figured that I had just got a free pass to the world. Because I know that love is the very power of God. Love is what heals, love is what saves, love is what makes right the wrong, love covers a multitude of sins, love cast out fear.

Sitting in church alone during the worship session, I figured I had "it" in the bag. Green light, no problems.

I was wrong.

As my father said, "Silly girl, love is a fruit, it has be grown."

I have learned that over the years. Often I have struggled and I still do. I set off to adopt. I was doing the right thing, I was doing a noble thing. I was going to make a difference. I was going to love another person's child as my own. Piece of cake.

I was wrong.

You see I have been challenged. I cannot change that I would not change that. Three years into the challenge I have grown tired. The bible says do not grow weary in doing good. But I have grown weary. Just the other day I cried and said I am hopeless. I have more hope for the orphans at Hope for the Hopeless than I do me and the relationship I have with my own child. I am tired.

I cannot love. What is the answer? What is the key? What is it that God wants me to learn? What am I doing wrong?

You have not because you ask not. In speaking with one of the most amazing ladies I know, this is her blog. I learned that I needed to ask for wisdom. So we prayed a while ago, and shared in Ephesians and James and I have been begging the Lord for wisdom regarding my child. I don't often do that, it seems vague. (sometimes it is easier to go to a book or a specialist or a friend) but God wants us to go to HIM the maker of all things.

Today was the most amazing day ever because I learned that God's love is so much better than my own. My own dries up and gets discouraged, my own love is not worth too much because when my own love is tested my own love fails. You can actually replace the word "Love" with "Compassion" because after today I know I do not have any of my "own love"

My compassion only goes enough to get me through, it goes far enough to fulfill my selfish wants of making others feel good, and helping and smiling at a job well done. There is a level of selfishness and self satisfaction in be a "do gooder" I am not saying that doing good things is wrong, but for me and myself I have to really go deeper and after a while it is that compassion that will fail you. It may happen in a few days, or a few months, in my case that compassion has gotten me by for a few years, 3 to be exact.

I will write the rest tomorrow. Just know that God has shown himself to me in a tangible way. For anyone who does not know my Jesus, let me tell you, He is LOVE. He is LOVE. He doesn't just, love, HE IS LOVE. Everything he does and every part of him is love. To have just a taste of perfect love on this earth is something that is hard to explain. I can tell you it is real, it is big, and it is something so separate of emotion and understanding. My human mind can barely grasp it. It is not a feeling it is not a wave of emotion. It is power. Gentle power to heal the hurt, the same gentle power that put himself on the cross is alive today and separate of our deeds and separate of our good works. I can see now how in the light of perfect love our "good deeds" are merely acts and that there is no possible way with the love of Christ to operate with true love. There is not a person good enough on this planet that can possibly stand as blameless as Jesus in his pure love. I can say with understanding the verse in the bible that says "Our righteousness is like a filthy rag" Jesus is the way he is the truth and he is life, he is the light we will someday stand before and he is LOVE.

Mason

I am writing this because I need to. It bothers me when Mason talks about dieing. I guess part of me knows that it is natural but man this is too much

He planned his whole funeral tonight. It was detailed and with a picture and a design down to the location. He wanted to be placed where we got married because that is where his family started. It is too detailed and deep to go into on this blog. I get so mad inside but I listen intently because of his nonchalance about it. He is not bothered one bit. Soooooo...... that makes me mad. I finally told him, "Look son, moms are not supposed to bury their kids so I will have none of that. I am going first and you can let your kids handle your funeral arrangements okay? anyway if you obey your parents God has promised a long life so do God's will and bury me when the time comes." He seemed okay with that too. On a lighter note, Abby who copies everything he does said she too wanted to be cremated but she wanted her ashes to go in an egg carton sitting on the counter top. Rolling eyes right now.

Later and as the night progressed Mason went from dieing to planning his wedding, he sang the song

"Here comes the bride all dressed and wide" man that makes me laugh! Watch out girls he is looking for a hefty lady!

Hawaii

Ahhhh paradise.

Ahhhh paradise gone.

Back home to the work at hand. Judah and Nettie require constant attention and constant training. I realize this and yesterday was very hard for me. Adjusting once again to their needs and hurt. I look forward to the day when the waves don't hit so hard and I don't get knocked down so much. They had so much fun at my mother in laws house and apparently they were very well behaved, they did everything I have trained them to do so I guess that is a good sign. I just wish it were like that at home.

Speaking of Hawaii it was spectacular and such a God given gift, so many wonderful things happened that showed us how much God cares about the things we pray for and how much God wants to give us good things. Prayers sown in compassion are strong, fervent prayers when you pray with God's heart are effective.

I cannot imagine how the first Europeans felt when they landed on this island. The dancing, music, tropical plants that seem fake, I mean they must have been in awe. I was anyway.

We saw sea turtles, and snorkeled, little mongoose ran around wild and I need not fear snakes or mountain lions. The lava flow was nothing more than spectacular and the laid back attitude was astounding. Gary picked wild mango, Abby called him Mango man, and I didn't see too much disrespect for the land. I have a feeling Hawaiians are pretty proud of their Island and that respect trickles to how it is treated.

Plumeria's bloomed everywhere, beautiful petals were the only litter I saw. That and fermented fruit that little birds jumped around pecking. I saw one homeless person's shelter but even it seemed clean and peacful. They even let ferral cats run around, they build little house for them and catch them and "fix" them so that they don't go on reproducing. Cats were everywhere but they didn't seem to be a nuisance.

We really enjoyed our brief stay, it was refreshing to get away from the normal life. We ran across hurting people and happy people, one lady on the plane prayed for Abby and she didn't cough once in Hawaii or on the way home. In fact I would say she got better almost instantly from the beginning of what was a very long cold in our family. Just stuff like that, just prayers answered, just learning more of God, sitting in the quiet place. I will write more on this but I have to go and homeschool.

Drugs according to Mason

Well my seven year really got his daddy good tonight in Cub Scout pack meeting, just glad it wasn't me.

My little cub scout is earning his health belt loop, they did a physical fitness test and then talked about eating healthy and not doing drugs, well Mason piped up loudly. "I know a way people do drugs, they roll up dollar bills and sniff salt from the table up their nose!" (quiet) Cub Scout Den mothers shoot a look to Gary as if to say "What the??" Gary just shrugged his shoulders looking confused and embarrassed. When they got into the car he promptly asked Mason where he learned so much detail on drug use. Mason nonchalantly told him "Nat Geo, and mom quickly turned it off". Man o Man. stupid TV.

Abbyism

She asked me today

"how are we going to stop the wine flu?" gosh I love that girl, she is always messing her words up. It makes me laugh so hard.

OMGosh Mason wants to be a comedian

My seven year old is pumped to the max and really wants to be a comedian! Actually he has some good material and when he is acts naturally he is not so bad. He does the whole improv thing and some good jokes come out of it. I have never seen him so excited! but he was ripping on me and homeschool! little stinker, it was funny though. I will try to get him on video and post it to Youtube.

Mountain Lions, Snakes and Swine flu Oh my

Well in light of my recent stand and newly inspired homeschool attitude, I decided to ditch the books and go for a hike! Well not really actually, I was going to the state park to meet up with the ranger program to learn about bugs. Safe, simple, innocent fun. Not to many germs, (don't want to catch Swine Flu). We got there almost on time, after much to do, of course and they told me the program was canceled, "Sorrrrrryyyyy" (Kim grit your teeth, smile, they have no idea how hard it is to get a 7, 5, 5 and 4 year old ready to go anywhere.) Deep breath, look around the ranger station, Oh wow they have lots of live rattle snakes in aquariums right there by my feet!!! nicccccceeee. I like snakes, I do, but not venomous ones that close by giving me the evil eye , only separated by a cheesy aquarium and crammed in an overcrowded ranger station mobile trailer. Then of course there is the Judah factor, need I say more. I could only imagine Judah tipping one of the aquariums over........ at that point I asked the ranger if they had the anti venom for all the different snakes. Yes? Well, good the show will go on. We left. Picnic at the park, need table cloths, bird poo everywhere, I knew a girl that went blind cause of bird poo in her eye. Flies, can flies spread diseases? I put an apple on the table next to me to try to lure them to it rather than us, I cringe as Abby bites into peanut butter sandwich that had been swarmed by flies as she actually "watched for falling rocks" Mason told her that if a rock falls down from the mountain it would crush us, she whimpered and told me we needed to find another spot. Oh the joys of an older brother who can now read road signs. Play ground time, yes, rattle snakes, scorpions, swine flu perhaps needles in the sand who knows, keep shoes on, keep a watchful eye, don't go to far, I heard a rabid bob cat recently walked into a bar and attacked some patrons, you never know!..... Onto the hike, fun this is going to be fun. OHHHHH forgot to put socks on the kids, forgot to put socks on me. Oh well, we are tough. Sunblock though, I am not a totally bad mom, whoops nearly asphyxiate a couple of kids spraying sunblock on their face cause I forgot to bring the face stick. Just don't open your eyes!! please oh ya and breath!.... Phew... onto the hike, huge yellow warning sign "Beware of mountain lions, watch you small pets and children closely" crap. Fun Fun Fun, hieroglyphs, don't touch the rock, guys get down come on, Judah just pee over there, guys lets go! Don't go over the fence, come on!!! No catching lizards! Get your hands out of the holes in the ground, Stay away from the ledge. Your feet hurt? Sorry be tough, Abby can you please give Nettie a pair of socks you are wearing two!! Abby I promise you that a snake will not bit your ankle if you give Nettie a pair of your socks you have two pairs on! Me, I am watching for mountain lions, why? because the sign said to and I also have been recording the new show "Human Prey." Note to self, not a good show to watch if you ever intend on hiking or even walking out your front door, rabid animals can find you anywhere! We come to a place where the cliff is on our right, Ranger Pat's voice echos in my mind, the pictures she showed me several weeks ago of mountain lions at park we were in, snarling, crouched on rocks. "They attack from the top, they stock their prey from above then jump down breaking their neck" ahhhh the element of surprise, that is why I don't like cats, (shiver) suddenly I feel like we are being watched, the clouds seem to cover the sun and a cool quiet breeze rustles the Brittle Bush leaves. I look at my kids, so innocent so unaware of the impending danger and I can just see a lion licking his chops ready to pounce. I already have my car key's out, my only form of defense. My plan? To poke the lion in the eye. I decide that we are done and we will not go further. The kids argue with me for a few minutes as I try to shelter them from the cold hard truth ----if we go on we will surely be attacked by a rabid mountain lion who could possibly be the carrier of the swine flu.---- Finally I tell them, "Look kiddos, mom's just know when there is danger and I have a bad feeling there is a lion watching us right now." Eight little eyes dart my direction, four little faces are flushed with fear, silence as we stand alone the trail, little brains trying to process the fact that their mom is really afraid of a lion attack. Mason breaks the silent with a quick non argumentative "YES MOM I think we should go!" If I could have ran I would, instead I herded my little ones in a group and tried to keep Abby from straggling behind. I felt much like a mother quail. We get down safely and as we pass some hikers going up I grab Mason's shoulder and warn him sternly not to be Ranger boy and sound the alarm to the new hikers of mountain lions. Mostly I was embarrassed of my fear but hey!! Don't judge me! We make it down safely against all odds, hop in the car, slam down some fun hills nearly tipping the Suburban over. Pull over, sunblock finally made its way to Abby's eyes, now she is in desperate pain. She needs me to get out of the car and flush her eye. Coyotes, snakes, scorpions are out there, not to mention cars going to fast and Swine Flu........OH MY!!!!

Abby's song of the Lord

Abby told me she had a song.

It went like this.

"Forever and ever and ever the pain will go away,
Forever and ever the love will come back
and the pain will go to Jesus and the love will come back
because he died on the cross and he felt pain
the love will come back"

She kept singing this over and over.

So true.