Sunday, March 23, 2008

If I am not waiting for one thing I am waiting for another

Well I am here at my sisters house. Waiting. Big huge surprise. Waiting for my sister to give birth. I have to admit I am anxious. If I weren't blogging this I would be pacing just like you see in the movies. This is hard for me as well in another way too. It is hard to process what birth is verses adoption. Is there such a thing? Today on the way to my mother in laws house to drop off the kids we were talking about Auntie having a baby. Mason really wanted to watch the baby being born, he has always been interested in child birth mostly because I talked to him a lot about it when I was educating myself in home birth. I told Mason he couldn't be there to watch and he was very upset so I told him he could watch his birth video and then Abby asked if she could see hers and I said of course! And then I was surprised to here my baby boy Judah ask me so innocently if he could see his birth video. My heart is breaking right now thinking about it. I paused and I asked God what to say, then I told him "Baby you have the best adoption video and you can see it anytime, Daddy met you first and brought you to me" It seemed to stop the flow of questions for now but it is these moments that I realize that we have some pieces missing. It hurts me not to have answers and leaves me wandering how I am going to balance being excited about the birth of my bio kids and not making that to be more special than the adoption videos that we will have for my other kids. It doesn't help that society doesn't celebrate adoption the same way people celebrate birth. I guess you realize that as you go along in the process. Anyway enough of my ramblings.

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