I am not pregnant, this thought hasn't really sunk in. Although the thought of being pregnant never did sink in. I think my mind is about three months behind my body. The other day I turned over in bed and fully expected a kick or jab, but there was nothing there. Instead she lay beside me, such a sweet warm bundle. Yet, I missed her being tucked away nicely inside of me where I could kind of control things a little bit, where love was more a mystery. Now I am alone, separate from her and the experience of her growing in me and now it is gone forever. I came to the realization that now my stomach is just that. A boring ol' stomach. There is nothing special about my pooch now, it is now longer cute and tight. It is no longer a baby bump, it is just a lump. I know that I will recover but I will hopefully never forget how it felt to carry her. I hope that I can always appreciate it, more than I did in the moment. I regret that. I regret that worry and fear kept me from fully enjoying the moment. I honestly didn't think I would get pregnant, or stay pregnant or give birth to a child that lived. Now she is here and absolutely amazing. All that worrying for nothing.
There are some things that I am glad I have back, my bladder being one of them. Of course I have traded my bladder for my breast, which are no longer mine. It seems I traded one leaky system for another. That's okay. My bottom half is almost fully recovered and I forgot how much post part-em recovery there is.
I actually want to have another baby. Crazy, but Serenity is the kind of girl that makes you want more. Okay gotta run.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Serenity Bethel
It is with great pleasure I can sit her, in a fair amount of pain and slightly dazed that I can share how my daughter entered this world October 8th, 2010.
October 7th started with regular contractions but I thought they would stop. They didn't. And about 1 am I started to bleed. Unfortunately because of my condition I wouldn't be able to labor at home. We went to sleep and decided to call the doctor in the morning. Needless to say I didn't sleep well, maybe two hours. I kept waking up to check for hemorrhage. We called the doctor at 8 am and he said that today would be a great day to have a baby and it was time to get her out. We dropped the kids off at Waffle House with my sister in law and she took them to my mother in law. Gary and I checked into the hospital with my sister Janette. They checked me out and admitted me. I was moved to labor and delivery and asked them if I could please walk to see if my contraction would "regulate" they did but I was only given to 2 pm to walk. When I got back up to labor and delivery at St. Joes I was told that I had to go onto pittosin. I wasn't thrilled but it needed to be done. As it was explained to me that this bleed wasn't bad but the second one and there would be one, could be life threatening. I agreed to a small amount of pitt and they began their mandatory duty of blood and IV's baby monitors, etc. It was horrible. But luckily I had a sweet nurse who put up with my wining and of course I had my sister who stood by me in complete support. I didn't feel alone. Unbeknownst to me my wonderful doctor had talked to a nurse named Allison 2 weeks prior who was trained in home birth and natural labor. She even told the resident I was her private patient and she wouldn't let her follow. She switched shifts and patients with my nurse and took over. Unfortunately she could only stay until 7 pm. After she left I did get a string of nurses that were great but couldn't replace what she could have done for me had she been able to stay. Later I found out she called at 4 am just to see how I was. I labored with pitt being slowly turned up until I couldn't take it at all. I asked them to turn it down they did without hesitation. I had to be continually monitored so I could only labor standing up, I tried different positions but I could only move a few feet because of the cords that tied me down. I was able to feel my water break though as I tried laying down. That was cool. I was praying and laying on my side and Janette and Gary were rubbing my legs and praying and I was just committing myself to Christ having a sweet moment in silence when I heard a huge pop and felt something burst. It had to be about 8 pm, I thought I was going to look down and see blood everywhere but it was my water! It felt like a balloon inside of me bursting. I dilated to 4-5 and gave up mentally, she was really high and not descending. I had flash backs of Mason's birth and the pain with pitt and not progressing. My lovely sister and great husband talked me into just a bit longer to get her dropped at least. Janette suggested I keep the standing position. That worked very well. Gary talked them into letting me get into the shower, they unhooked my pitt and monitors and I got to labor in the shower for 15 minutes at a time, but Gary let me stay longer. I did this and when I got out they had to hook me back to the monitors but I talked them into letting me get off the pitt, my contractions were now just mine. After several rounds of this I dialated to 7-8, and had descended. My sister was totally right and I felt very hopeful. At this point it was like midnight? I was so tired, the contractions were wonderfully strong, unfortunately I was horribly tired. I couldn't stand anymore, I tried laying down but it made it worse. I was literally strapped. I gave up. I gave up the moment I entered the hospital. I got the epidural. Then my contractions stopped. Go figure, that's what happens. I thought they could just put me back on pitt, but they couldn't they had to see how Serentiy reacted to the epidural. We didn't have a good reaction, my blood pressure dropped and my heart was pounding in my throat. Serenity didn't like that either. They had to give me epinephrine to counter the epidural. I thought I was going to die. I put music on in my ears and just started praying. Things stablized but they couldn't get my contractions going again until they saw the baby had a good reaction. I remained like this for quite a while. Apparently I was stuck at 7-8 now and the doctor broke the bag of forwaters that was holding her high. Eventually got on pitt again. I finally got a chance to sleep but my blood pressure monitor kept going off as I kept dropping so the alarm kept going off. My sister went home and was planning on coming back, my parents went home as they were told it would be a while. Gary and I fell asleep and didn't know they weren't planning on checking me until way later. My sister Mary stayed faithfully alone in the waiting room. At about 5:45 Gary woke up with a bad feeling. He looked at Serinity's heart rate and it was almost to 200. Very bad. He went to get the nurse and when she came in she said she would need to call doctor, just as she said that he was there. It has been said of him that he has a sixth sense. Well more than once he proved that to us. He checked me and calm as can be said that I was ready to have the baby. I didn't feel a thing!!! I was so numbed I couldn't even feel the pressure of my little girl delivering herself. She was ready to crown! The doctor gowned up and got my legs situated. Then he did something so cool, he let Gary gown up! When he said to push I did, with all my heart and mind. He was instructing Gary on how to deliver the baby. He told me to give it a second push, I did, then one little final push and Gary delivered our beautiful daughter with no assistance from the doctor. He pulled her out and carried her over to me at 6:05 a.m. Out of all the things that didn't go right for me, this was one thing that was the highlight of the birth. Gary delivering our daughter into this world. Thank God my sister Mary was there and was able to take pictures, she was the only one who was there, my sister Janette who stayed behind from her family in California missed the birth. My friend Jen who I was going to call when I was at 8-9 never knew, and my mom who stayed until 2:00 a.m. missed it.
They collected the cord blood, and let her sit on my belly for 2 minutes. Then she became a human pin cushion as they were concerned about infection because of her elevated heart rate. So typical of hospital births. When they let me hold her, her heart rate dropped 10 points. Then they took her from me and stressed her out.
We found out that my dedicated Doctor Medchill stayed with me the whole time after putting in a full days work. He waited for me letting me do what I needed to do. Then after instructing my husband on how to deliver Serenity he stitched me up and went back to work a full day. Unbelievable. He slept at the hospital just for me. The placenta did not fail or bleed during delivery, thank God. Every nurse I had was amazing and kind. I could not have done this without my husband or sister. Both of them stood by my side rubbing my back for hours. These are things that "Thank you" simply does not cover. Even though I went in angry about having to have a hospital birth I left with a beautiful, 9.5 pound baby, healthy and happy. A little sore a little Johndist, but all in one piece. I can't wait to jot my thoughts on the absolute beauty of a new baby, it is amazing. I am loving this in such a different way now that I am almost 9 years older than when I had my first. God has blessed me. The kids love their baby sister, especially Mason. The whole thing is amazing. This brought Gary and I closer and now our little family of 7 is complete.
October 7th started with regular contractions but I thought they would stop. They didn't. And about 1 am I started to bleed. Unfortunately because of my condition I wouldn't be able to labor at home. We went to sleep and decided to call the doctor in the morning. Needless to say I didn't sleep well, maybe two hours. I kept waking up to check for hemorrhage. We called the doctor at 8 am and he said that today would be a great day to have a baby and it was time to get her out. We dropped the kids off at Waffle House with my sister in law and she took them to my mother in law. Gary and I checked into the hospital with my sister Janette. They checked me out and admitted me. I was moved to labor and delivery and asked them if I could please walk to see if my contraction would "regulate" they did but I was only given to 2 pm to walk. When I got back up to labor and delivery at St. Joes I was told that I had to go onto pittosin. I wasn't thrilled but it needed to be done. As it was explained to me that this bleed wasn't bad but the second one and there would be one, could be life threatening. I agreed to a small amount of pitt and they began their mandatory duty of blood and IV's baby monitors, etc. It was horrible. But luckily I had a sweet nurse who put up with my wining and of course I had my sister who stood by me in complete support. I didn't feel alone. Unbeknownst to me my wonderful doctor had talked to a nurse named Allison 2 weeks prior who was trained in home birth and natural labor. She even told the resident I was her private patient and she wouldn't let her follow. She switched shifts and patients with my nurse and took over. Unfortunately she could only stay until 7 pm. After she left I did get a string of nurses that were great but couldn't replace what she could have done for me had she been able to stay. Later I found out she called at 4 am just to see how I was. I labored with pitt being slowly turned up until I couldn't take it at all. I asked them to turn it down they did without hesitation. I had to be continually monitored so I could only labor standing up, I tried different positions but I could only move a few feet because of the cords that tied me down. I was able to feel my water break though as I tried laying down. That was cool. I was praying and laying on my side and Janette and Gary were rubbing my legs and praying and I was just committing myself to Christ having a sweet moment in silence when I heard a huge pop and felt something burst. It had to be about 8 pm, I thought I was going to look down and see blood everywhere but it was my water! It felt like a balloon inside of me bursting. I dilated to 4-5 and gave up mentally, she was really high and not descending. I had flash backs of Mason's birth and the pain with pitt and not progressing. My lovely sister and great husband talked me into just a bit longer to get her dropped at least. Janette suggested I keep the standing position. That worked very well. Gary talked them into letting me get into the shower, they unhooked my pitt and monitors and I got to labor in the shower for 15 minutes at a time, but Gary let me stay longer. I did this and when I got out they had to hook me back to the monitors but I talked them into letting me get off the pitt, my contractions were now just mine. After several rounds of this I dialated to 7-8, and had descended. My sister was totally right and I felt very hopeful. At this point it was like midnight? I was so tired, the contractions were wonderfully strong, unfortunately I was horribly tired. I couldn't stand anymore, I tried laying down but it made it worse. I was literally strapped. I gave up. I gave up the moment I entered the hospital. I got the epidural. Then my contractions stopped. Go figure, that's what happens. I thought they could just put me back on pitt, but they couldn't they had to see how Serentiy reacted to the epidural. We didn't have a good reaction, my blood pressure dropped and my heart was pounding in my throat. Serenity didn't like that either. They had to give me epinephrine to counter the epidural. I thought I was going to die. I put music on in my ears and just started praying. Things stablized but they couldn't get my contractions going again until they saw the baby had a good reaction. I remained like this for quite a while. Apparently I was stuck at 7-8 now and the doctor broke the bag of forwaters that was holding her high. Eventually got on pitt again. I finally got a chance to sleep but my blood pressure monitor kept going off as I kept dropping so the alarm kept going off. My sister went home and was planning on coming back, my parents went home as they were told it would be a while. Gary and I fell asleep and didn't know they weren't planning on checking me until way later. My sister Mary stayed faithfully alone in the waiting room. At about 5:45 Gary woke up with a bad feeling. He looked at Serinity's heart rate and it was almost to 200. Very bad. He went to get the nurse and when she came in she said she would need to call doctor, just as she said that he was there. It has been said of him that he has a sixth sense. Well more than once he proved that to us. He checked me and calm as can be said that I was ready to have the baby. I didn't feel a thing!!! I was so numbed I couldn't even feel the pressure of my little girl delivering herself. She was ready to crown! The doctor gowned up and got my legs situated. Then he did something so cool, he let Gary gown up! When he said to push I did, with all my heart and mind. He was instructing Gary on how to deliver the baby. He told me to give it a second push, I did, then one little final push and Gary delivered our beautiful daughter with no assistance from the doctor. He pulled her out and carried her over to me at 6:05 a.m. Out of all the things that didn't go right for me, this was one thing that was the highlight of the birth. Gary delivering our daughter into this world. Thank God my sister Mary was there and was able to take pictures, she was the only one who was there, my sister Janette who stayed behind from her family in California missed the birth. My friend Jen who I was going to call when I was at 8-9 never knew, and my mom who stayed until 2:00 a.m. missed it.
They collected the cord blood, and let her sit on my belly for 2 minutes. Then she became a human pin cushion as they were concerned about infection because of her elevated heart rate. So typical of hospital births. When they let me hold her, her heart rate dropped 10 points. Then they took her from me and stressed her out.
We found out that my dedicated Doctor Medchill stayed with me the whole time after putting in a full days work. He waited for me letting me do what I needed to do. Then after instructing my husband on how to deliver Serenity he stitched me up and went back to work a full day. Unbelievable. He slept at the hospital just for me. The placenta did not fail or bleed during delivery, thank God. Every nurse I had was amazing and kind. I could not have done this without my husband or sister. Both of them stood by my side rubbing my back for hours. These are things that "Thank you" simply does not cover. Even though I went in angry about having to have a hospital birth I left with a beautiful, 9.5 pound baby, healthy and happy. A little sore a little Johndist, but all in one piece. I can't wait to jot my thoughts on the absolute beauty of a new baby, it is amazing. I am loving this in such a different way now that I am almost 9 years older than when I had my first. God has blessed me. The kids love their baby sister, especially Mason. The whole thing is amazing. This brought Gary and I closer and now our little family of 7 is complete.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
maybe the last post before I am a new mommy
Went to doctor today and I am dilated to 2.5, 60% effaced and thinned out. happy dance insert here. Still he told me to start thinking about induction. So I go back on Saturday to see him. As of right now the baby is perfect and everything is fine. I went to my mom's house tonight and did some moves my sister showed me and directly after went into contractions. I have been having good contractions now for several hours. I am going to wait it out until I can't talk, type or walk before I go in. This could be another false start but it feels just a bit different. So hard to tell, I have switched positions several times and they are still coming. So now I am just plumbed tuckered out. Going to bed.
On a side note we put an offer in on a house they accepted and took it off the market, we are just waiting to here back on my mom's old house. This is the furthest we ever got. Fingers crossed, but not legs. :)
On a side note we put an offer in on a house they accepted and took it off the market, we are just waiting to here back on my mom's old house. This is the furthest we ever got. Fingers crossed, but not legs. :)
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Terrible dream
Had an absolutely terrible dream last night. I dreamed that I could see Serenity through an outline on my stomach, then somehow I reached in to get her and she was too small, and her face was completely unformed and crooked. I blame this terrible image on the ultra sounds that have distorted her beautiful little face. Anyway I showed my friend and asked if it looked right and then thought my due date must be completely off she is still forming and I caught her in a bad moment. So I somehow tucked her back in my belly and prayed that she wasn't deformed, but felt bad because I thought I will still love her anyway. I then tried to imagine my life with her as being completely disabled. In my dream I wandered if she would ever walk or talk and what that would mean to my family and how that would change our lives forever. In the end I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep. Now it is 4 AM and I am up. Contractions started like they do everyday and I am feeling rather crampy. I weighed myself and have gained an astonishing 7 pounds in just a few weeks!!! I chalk that up to throwing the diabetic diet out the window for a bit. I guess now I will have to get back on it, being so late in the game and all but never to late to watch what you eat. I may even do my eliptical today as amusing as that may be. So I guess I will shoot for due date number two. October 8th. Seeing as how the fourth has come and gone. There are times I literally think I will not go into labor. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I may even let them check me. For today the kids have PE this morning, guitar lessons and girl scouts, so we will just plod along, it's not like I don't have anything to do to keep me busy. Also in the works is house hunting. I feel we are on the cusp of finding a house. Another reason I am up at the wonderful hour of 4 am. I can't sleep with too much going on in my mind. Between terrible dreams, busy life, house hunting, and Mason's string of health issues and just being plain pregnant and Gary's snoring I am pretty sure I will need a nap at some point today. The list of things running through my mind is insane. I do need to clean the fridge, the house, my room. Not to mention homeschool the kids. There are a few houses we are going to put an offer in on, it is just a matter of which and what timing will show what we get. More complicated issues with the houses we are putting in offers on, of course it can't be simple. I am sitting here looking at this calendar. I can't believe that at some point I will actually have this child. What if I don't? What if I have to be induced? I have 3 days before my due date, I think with Abby I went over the time by two days. How stupid and delusional was I to think I was going to go early. Shumck.
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