God Doesn't want me in Africa

I feel I need to write this.

For a while now I have felt a slow down or a stop in my ministry outside the family. It isn't for lack of passion it is just the attention in my life is focused on my kids. Training Mason and Abby to continue in their walk with the Lord, and teaching Nettie and Judah what it is to be in our family and to love God. But mainly the training of my own spirit to walk closer to God in wisdom, to be the mom and wife I need to be here in my home.

For so long I craved leaving, I thought leaving here, moving to Africa would be the best thing for my family. I dreamed about it, and even secretly planned for it and prayed for it. But God doesn't want me in Africa. God doesn't want me anywhere, he can't use the "me" in Kim, the "Me" is the soul, who I am. I am compassionate, occasionally funny, out going Kim. But God doesn't need those things, hurting people don't need those things. Nobody needs my knowledge or human compassion. I am sure those things are nice and I have gotten by with them for so long but God needs the Me in Me to shrink. If I can step back and trust in God who made me then I should be able to give Me over to him and when that happens then it is no longer my compassion, which is nothing more than dry leaves. It is God's and it is that compassion that heals the broken hearted and binds up wounds that my human understanding could never touch. God's hand reaches further than ME and God's love, starts at home with ME. It starts with the most difficult challenge, family life. Especially after adopting the challenge lies to understand how God loves my kids and Gary. If I can't wrap my arms around Nettie and Judah and love them like God than how am I going to wrap my arms around orphans in Africa and really minister to them with the true power of God. It is not and illusion or some far off idea, the power of God is real and it heals. To go to a remote and hurting place in Africa is actually more easily done for me than to wake up and deal with Judah's tantrums and behaviors that I cannot fix. But is that real for me? What if the orphan I was loving with my human compassion turned around and hurt me? Would I still love? I think that is why God has told me he doesn't need me in Africa. He needs me to let go of me and let him move in me and have his being.