I am back, kinda.

It has been a hard few weeks. I have been just being. I don't even know if that makes sense.

We met with the Doctors and plans have been set in place for procedures to start immediately. Nurses will monitor better, doctors will be more careful etc. That is all I wanted. Because of what happened to Judah several surgery centers will change how they do things. Good.

It's wierd and I am not sure anyone would understand this but in the end there was nothing bad that came from this.

In fact the fruit and goodness that has erupted because of this will live on forever. The surgery center will change and possibly save other children from a worse fate and most importantly I am closer to my youngest son than ever.

He is mostly back to his normal fiesty self and I am happy. He can hear, he can smell, he is sleeping and there is no more apnea.

You know in a moment like this your faith is tested. There is a verse in the bible that says "do not be afraid of sudden fear" well I can't say I was walking in that wisdom. I was gripped and could barely breath. I felt my vocal cords were squeezed to the point where I couldn't even pray. Why? part of me thinks that if I prayed that would mean that what was happening was real. I know that doesn't make much sense. The first time I felt loosed to pray was in the car on the way to the ER with my friend Tara. She went into the house to get her daughter and I remembered a prayer and a promise I lived on when I was going in for brain surgery. My father prayed and the Lord showed him I was to walk in the land of the living. I prayed that over my son, no I didn't just pray it, I declared it, my voice came back to me and I was able to proclaim my sons life was in my Gods hands and I rembered why my boy was brought to me and what his purpose was so I declared he would walk in the land of living and that he would not be robbed of his life on earth when I know God has a purpose for him.

So here we are today. Recovered and stronger. When you give birth you and your child go through something tramatic and beautiful, when you adopt a child the same thing occurs. I think in my case there was something missing. I often said that it felt as if Gary showed up with this baby out of no where, and I wasn't really sure what it took to take him from his orphanage and home land. I didn't experience this as I was the one holding the candle waiting at home. But when I stepped in for my son God allowed me the experience of taking him as well. I brought him home alive and well. He is such a daddy's boy I often questioned if he viewed me as his mom and just days before this happened horrible thought would suddenly pop into my head like "he doesn't think you are his "real" mom" or " you are not good enough for him you are just a stand in" now we know where these thoughts come from and they are not true so I would just shew them away and try to move on not thinking of them or agreeing with them. When this happened all of those doubts where just demolished. Those thoughts will never ever pop into my head again. I am his mom and he is my baby boy. Those nights in recovery proved it to me so many times, he just wanted me, his breathing even changed when I would hold him and he would calm down. I had an affect on his little body he knows I am his mom and I would do anything for him.