Moving along

Well, I am coming to terms with my life now. Not completely but somewhat. I am now beginning my 8th week with this little one and I have had a few moments now of excitement. Still morning sick, and dizzy and very tired, which makes schooling and just about everything else difficult.

I am in the process of trying to figure out if I should homeschool the little ones or not. I don't feel like I can but then I can't see them in school either. I am just seeking God's wisdom in this matter. Everything in my life is on hold. I realize that I may not see Africa or any other place for a long time. Most of me is okay with that as I realize now my ministry is at home. Maybe it took 5 kids to do that to me.

It is sad as it seems I don't have time to help and comfort the people I once was. Everything is limited and my time especially seems to be focused on family. Somehow I have to fight feelings that I am letting God down. I know that isn't true but those are the lies I face. I guess I am drawn to the more showy and loud ministries, and staying home hidden and quiet is a challenge. But I think it is something I have been called too. It is not my will but Gods. If I live for him and do what he tells me then how can I go wrong? Well off to homeschool and get this day rolling.

Confusion

It looms darker than night right now, confusion. Am I am going to have this child or not? Some people who have never have had to deal with the pain of miscarriage can enter into pregnancy with high hopes and excitement. Me I am bracing for a car wreck. I am tired of bracing. How am I supposed to get through the next few weeks?

I had plans before this pregnancy. I was going to go to Ethiopa, now I may be looking at being a 40 year old mom to a three year old. The kind of love you feel with a child is so overwhelming, it washes over you and makes you a better person, but it can also bring with it the garbage of fear. Protection instincts can swallow you up and make you into a monster.

I don't know what the future holds for my family and there is no way of knowing anything today, so with tears in my eyes I have to just deal with what I have right now. This moment.

We are expecting

This will be fast because it is early in the morning and I need to get the day started. I found out a week ago that I am pregnant. This was a shock to me and some of my family, as expected as this littlest one was not expected. Currently I have hope and I am walking in some form of faith that it will all be okay, but with my history of miscarriage, there is a disconnect. I have a hard time believing it all. People who have never experienced miscarriage seem so innocent in their expectations and dreams. I am a little more guarded, even though we have told ever living soul there is to tell! The kids are excited as well and we all have a dream of this little child who is expected to be a girl. :) Just a feeling. I am praying for good health, for my thyroid and good levels of HCG. I was going to let things ride out but now I think that I need to go and have levels checked, that would be a good indicator of where I am and if I am going to be able to carry this one. Anyway in the honor of hope of dreams that sometimes come true I added this little widget, hopefully I won't have to take it down.

Face book throughout the year, comments

We found Abby late last night, curled up in the hallway on tile piled with clean laundry from a a basket that needed to be put away, sleeping her little head off. She was right when she said she didn't want to go to bed, I thought I heard coughing in the hallway last night. :) so cute. Nov 2009

Can you believe I made rice crispy treats for the first time in my whole life?? 36 years and this was the first time. :) very easy they looked hard for some reason, why haven't I done this before? Nov 2009

Great Value Quick Grits for breakfast..... Semola de maiz de coccion rapida. :) Enriched white hominy. Kids in the back ground begging, momma make grits hurry I want breakfast!! Nov 2009

Had the best night, took my Nettie on a mommie daughter date to Ethiopian fund raising dinner, it was as always very good, met some very nice people. Although I missed the speaker, former Prime Minister of Ethiopia I totally support what he is doing. Nov 29 2009

A case for life, we just don't know and this life is not in our hands, in the instance of this baby that was not supposed to survive birth, yet his mom carried him anyway and now he has surpassed all expections. Abortion isn't the answer there is a greater social/faith issue. Nov 2009

mash potatos are done, cranberries are boiling and now I have to find bathing suites as Aunti Pam has heated the pool!!! love living in AZ. Nov 26

Shannon Doherty, Renee Zelwiger, and me are all getting visibly "older" I remember 90210? when did this happen? Nov 25 2009

caution gross things about to be shared. You know you homeschool when your daughter discovers that her scab is starting to come of in the middle of roman history and tells everyone that she has a good idea for a science project...... you can guess.... then makes the innocent observation that it looks like beef jerky. ... Nov 24 2009

Load up on vit D, get your vitamins, take coconut oil and Menuka honey and get healthy. The future virus that are mutating from the H1N1 are bad, vaccines won't help you, in the Ukraine there is a H5N1 that is spreading and nobody is even talking about it. Just did some resarch, regardless it doesn't hurt to be healthy. Nov 24 2009

Abby is six years old tomorrow. Ya, why does she still feel the need to eat dog food??? Anyone, insight?? I do feed her. Nov 24 2009

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Laws of nature have been broken. Both Gary and I are sick with two kids verging on sick. Normally only one parent, if any at all are supposed to be sick. What's up with that? Dec 2009

Abby "OH YA I am the first one to find Chicken in my chicken soup, look look a piece of chicken!, oh wait that is just a noodle." said of Campbells "chicken" noodle soup. needless to say we made our own with tons of chicken. Dec 31 2009

Abby just looked at me longing and said "mom you are perfect, no other mom is like you, no other mom knows so much about God and healthy eating, there is no mom like you and I love you" Dec 26 2009

I know it was a lot to ask so much of you but doubt is a luxery we can't afford now, you are stronger than you think you are. "Incredibles" :) the one who doubts is like a wave tossed to and fro in the ocean,...James 1 Dec 2009

Gary is playing bop it with niece he is trying hard to beat my score of 89, ahahhah never, but then again he does fly 757's and he says that is cooler than bop it. then why do I hear him playing the game?????

sin will take you further than you ever thought you would go but Jesus our saviour will take you further than you ever thought you could go. Trust in him today, Trust Trust Trust. Dec 2009

Abby came running from her bedroom and said "mom Nettie is licking the jam off her toes and she is not even eating the toast!" do I want to know about her "toe jam" ? probably not. Dec 21 2009

Judah said that he likes his name Judah becuause it means the LION of JUDAH and lions can take down anything, then after a few seconds of thinking he said he wishes his name could be THE T REX OF JUDAH. Dec 2009

Operation Christmas Child was a success, the kids did so amazing!! Good to see friends and family afterwards, house all decked out for Christmas, hot chocolate, laughter and cheese cake!!! A little home alone four and off to church tomorrow~! Dec 12 2009

gary is fixing our dryer so it blows warm humidified air into our house to save money. He also taught Abby part of Miley Cyrus, Boom Da Clap dance, he is a man of many talents. Dec 10 2009

bby went on a date with Daddy, she really wanted to go to Food City because she never saw the inside of it. I am on the computer and she runs in and says "surrender or die" and she is pointing a stick at me,when I finally looked over she threatening me with a sugar cane bigger than her. Go figure Food City carries whole sugar canes. Dec 10 2009

Judah "I got a nose so I guess I'll pick it". should be a bumper sticker if you ask me. Dec 10 2009

32.7 and it is Phoenix. !!!! I could snow!!! Okay it happened like twice in my lifetime and three times if you count the sprinklers coming on in the middle of the night and everything freezing in balls ont he cactus and rock. Dec 2009

Abby thinks she lives in a hotel, she asked me "Mom when will breakfast be served?" and the other day she told me she would like to order three pairs of matching socks. Dec 7 2009

Abby asked me for grits for breakfast, grits for a snack, and just now again she said she sure was craving some grits but whatever would be fine for her. dec 2009

Gary found a cheeseburger outside that has been sitting for quite some time out doors (don't ask) , looks the same as when it was purchased, the funny thing is that no bugs or birds or cats or any living thing even attempted to eat the meaty treat for the week it sat outside on our wall. Why are we eating it? Dec 3 2009

pray for me those who pray, my heart is all tangly today. Dec 2 2009

warm homeade sugar cookies, hot decaf dunkin doughnut coffee, Dennnis the Menice Christmas movie, 4 quiet kids and a husband that is cleaning the toilets, !!! Can life get better? okay he is taking a coffee break don't feel so bad for him. Dec 1 2009

Survived Christmas

I did it. I survived Christmas. Every year I say that I am not going to get "into" it, but every year like this sinus infection I am currently dealing with, I get "into" it. Allbeit late, sorry haven't gotten cards out yet and my Christmas tree is now a fire hazard in my living room.

It was a good Christmas, busy as usual. For some reason I was unable to get my act together and that is the first time in many years that I have found myself scrambling at Christmas. I swear time is going faster than usual and I am feeling the effects of it.

New Year was uneventful, I don't even know if Gary was home. I can't even remember what I did or why all of sudden my computer is writing in italic? oh well. The kids had fun and that is all that counts. We are back onto homeschool and trying to just find the swing of things again.

I am grateful for each day I have with my family, every moment that passes is a moment owned, the rest just feels borrowed as time is moving faster and faster. It was just yesterday Mason was watching Jeff Corwin and Abby was wearing cloth diapers. We were waiting for Judah to come home, the anticipation this time four years ago was unbearable. Now in just a few days he will have been with us for four years! Sometimes it feels like I missed those years, they just disappeared under a mountain of diapers and screaming kids, demanding my attention. I know there had to be moments of quiet in the last four years but I can't seem to recall. I guess that is why I keep this blog to remember all the times the good and the bad. Life changed drastically when we adopted and I am glad for it.

Well I shall post a few pictures of Christmas and move on because as I speak one child has fallen asleep on the couch and three others are off being way to quiet and you all know what that means.

Happy 9 years!!!!

Well I haven't blogged in forever, but this is certainly blog worthy. Nine years ago today Gary and tied the knot in Sedona, Arizona. He purposed to me just a few weeks prior. We drove up to South Mountain on his motor cycle and looked over the city lights, when I turned around he was on one knee with a ring shining in the headlight of the motorcycle. Of course I said yes, but I still had my helmet on so I was trying to pull it off, jumping up and down. We drove back down to his mom's house listening to Johnny Cash and the Burning Ring of Fire song. We couldn't talk, it was cold and the wind chilled me, but inside I was warm with the thought of finally becoming his wife.

We planned a fast wedding not for the reason some may think. I had to have brain surgery in January. Neither of us was sure how it would all turn out for me. Many people with my condition came out of surgery permanently damaged in some way or another. We just didn't know what we would be dealing with, seizures, speaking problems, walking, perhaps a total vegetable? That is why he wanted to marry me fast before Jan 11 2001 when my surgery was scheduled. He told me he wanted to be there for me in case it didn't work out for me physically he wanted to be my husband and not my boyfriend. Tell me how do you describe that kind of loyalty? You can't. It is love in action and not just words.

We headed up to Sedona, AZ the day after Christmas, (sorry guys for hijacking everyone's Christmas plans:) it was the only time all the family would be around. We rented a cute little cabin for everyone and celebrated Christmas together as the Bruyns and the Burlesons. I lost the ring sometime in the night, found it in the morning. It was snowing the day before and windy as could be then at noon the wind stopped and the sun came out and we had our little ceremony outside the day after Christmas. It was so pretty and sanctified. I felt beautiful and Gary was so handsome.

Now nine years later, four kids and several animals, here we are. We have had our fair share of ups and downs, who doesn't? But when the day ends there is nothing I like better than to know my husband is home and he is by my side. I love laughing with him and nobody else cares as much as I do about the funny things our kids do. He is a good man, he is a loyal man, he is a loving man and he is my best friend. I am so blessed to snag a guy like that!! but that story is for another time hehheheh.

Six months later after the brain surgery we took that bike across the country on our honeymoon. Phx to Bar Harbor Maine, it was the best adventure among others that span the globe. Looking forward if God wills another nine years to grow old, gray and fit with you darling!!

Daisy Scout Fire Department Day

We did a cute little field trip to the Fire Department today. It was with Abby's Daisy Scout Troupe, this picture is caught in the reflection of the fire truck she was looking up at the tools. So cute.

Fear

Let me tell you something about fear. The person who said there is nothing to fear but fear itself didn't know that fear itself was in itself a big enough monster to fear. I haven't written for so long because I have been consumed with fear, anxiety and worry. I have shared these feelings with a few friends, okay anyone who would listen, but now here I am writing about what I have learned in the past few months about fear. I actually cannot write now because I have to unload a ton of groceries, cook dinner, cook another dinner, then make lunch, clean up and get ready for church and clean the kids, and jar some peaches that about to go off and dry some apples and juice the rest of them. Okay now I am tired just thinking of what I am trying to avoid. Anyway the point is I need to sit down and journal what it is that God has shown me in the last few months since our trip, where I realized the fear began. I think the more light I shine on it the less power it has over me. So when I actually find a second to think, then find another second to write I shall spill my guts and my tears and share what I have gone through.

Lots of Love

Well a lot has happened in the several week since I stopped blogging. Mason lost his first tooth a few weeks ago. He believes in the tooth fairy so we played along although strange since we don't do any fictional characters, it was still kind of cute. He was 15 months old when he first got a tooth so it doesn't surprise me that it took so long for one to fall out.

Abby started Daisy scouts again, she is too adorable. We ordered a uniform online and as we were shopping she was just enthralled with the whole process of online shopping as we were checking out she grabbed my purse for me and asked "well where do you stick the card?" as she looked down into the computer!

We were getting ready to go to church on a Saturday night and I asked the kids "So why are we going to church tonight?" hoping for the deeper meaning, I was a little surprised when Abby piped up saying "We don't want to go to bed!" They had a blast anyway.

Abby was very shy with the dermatologist as she saw him remove a spot from me. Later she told me that she wasn't about to let that Meteorologist touch her foot!

Nettie started school, her first day of kindergarten, she came home telling me she had a boy friend and that she was going to get married. She also told her teacher that she wasn't coming back and she was going to tell her mom on her. The teacher wasn't phased. She is not super excited about school but in the end she is happy when we pick her up. Mornings drag but the afternoon she is excited about school. Someone apparently made the comment at school that she was adorable but didn't like to be boxed in. Go figure, her name means Freedom.

Judah is back at school, we asked him if he wanted us to take him his first day. NO. He wanted to ride the bus. He is doing good, I look forward to this being the last year of preschool. I think he will do really well in kinder.

Well I am trying to get back into the swing of things, sometimes life just throws you a curve ball and you have to figure out where you are and what position you are playing. My struggle has mostly been trying to figure out where I am in this world and what God wants me to do with this life he has given me. The realization of the shortness of our time on the earth hit me hard and I am hoping that God will use that realization for his benefit in teaching me to love each day with his heart and to live for him.