Well as I am turning in for bed I realize how many things I have forgotten at home. My toothbrush, sheets, our favorite blanket, as I like to tease Gary "his blankie" he says he can't sleep without it and it is what makes home a home. He just now asked me if I could have a neighbor UPS it.
The kids are sleeping, Gary is turning in and it is just me and the light of this computer. There is the droning of the fan and it is making me sleepy.
The day started off just fine. One of the kids clogged toilet and then several others used it on top of that so Gary had to fish poo products out because the plunger wasn't doing the trick. I gagged and held the bag, then gave the kids a piece of my mind. Because of the poo debacle we left set out on our adventure with now wallet. When we turned around to get it, and trust me that is no easy feat hauling 6 K pounds, we realized that neither of us had keys to get into the house. We both gave our keys to our friends, I gave mine to the wife, Gary gave his to the husband. Long story short, we have their keys and were finally able to make contact with them as they were not home and just let ourselves into their house to get our keys back. After that whole thing it went fairly smoothly.
We arrived in New Mexico and set up the trailer for the night. Abby had a huge melt down which sent me into a melt down. Nettie insisted she could ride her bike even though I told her she couldn't. She ended up a with a few skinned knees. No tears though. Judah was amazing!! When he has a mission he is all about the long haul, I think he would make a great fighter pilot, but he wants to be a trucker. There was hardly any fighting, I attribute this to much prayer from our church and family. He would remain quiet for the longest stretches then say something so random it made me laugh, like "Mom when we back home can we go to Walmart and buy olives?"
This KOA has met my expectations, it is clean, friendly and feels safe. The kids were able to ride their bikes, play on the playground and dig in the dirt with their shovels building paths for their trucks. Right now as we are sitting on a scenic pull in sight I am looking down at the city valley, lights are sparkling and spread out like jewels beneath me. It is dark and almost magical. During the day the prairie lands seem lonely and I thought we would be isolated, but we are not as the city is just below, welcoming, sprawling singing "There is a Walmart here, you can buy the toothbrush and sheets you forgot and oh that microwave safe dish you need!!" Yessssss. I will be there shortly.
We are going to try for San Antonio tomorrow, it is a long drive over 600 miles. But if the kids do well then we will just push on. Then we should be arriving in Baton Rouge the next day, there is talk of a swamp ride! I would love that.
Dinner went well, outside of the Abby melt down which had much to do with Mason forgetting to pack his bike helmet. Of course Abby's is black with a flame and we have Netties, but didn't bring Netties bike and Netties is pink. Same helmet just different colors so I made Abby give her black helmet to Mason and I made her wear the pink one. You can imagine. So that was another thing I forgot. Darn. I would gladly spend 20 bucks on a new helmet so that I don't have to deal with that again. Can't blame the girl though, the black one with flames is waaaaaaay cooler!
Espresso is a good traveler but Sweetie is not doing so hot. I hope she gets used to the stress soon. She didn't eat or drink today. But she did pee pee while on a walk so that is a good thing considering she hasn't really been on a leash too many times.
Well I better run, off to try to sleep. Gary changed his mind to 5 am. Good golly.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Sweet Home Hamavama
Well we are just getting ready to leave for Alalbama. We are so excited, there has been a ton of a packing to do, still not done. I feel like I am leaving behind so much unfinished buisness. I have been so focused on leaving I have forgotten that at some point I am coming home and I still have so much stuff to do. I guess that is how vacations go.
I shaved the hairy mutt and Sweetie the Chihuahua doesn't want anything to do with him, she runs and hides everytime he comes near. For two days she has not recognized him, I thought these dogs were supposed to be smart.
The kids are so excited, they can hardly stand it. I think we leave tomorrow early in the AM. I hope and pray we can stand the journey. The two little ones have been fighting like crazy. I have the car clean, food packed, house kinda picked up, dogs microchipped. I hope that I can update on the road when we stop, I would love to journal this time for the kids.
I shaved the hairy mutt and Sweetie the Chihuahua doesn't want anything to do with him, she runs and hides everytime he comes near. For two days she has not recognized him, I thought these dogs were supposed to be smart.
The kids are so excited, they can hardly stand it. I think we leave tomorrow early in the AM. I hope and pray we can stand the journey. The two little ones have been fighting like crazy. I have the car clean, food packed, house kinda picked up, dogs microchipped. I hope that I can update on the road when we stop, I would love to journal this time for the kids.
Friday, May 15, 2009
All the time
I get told all the time that Abby looks like Dakota Fanning. The other day a lady at the Jack in a box drive through scared me to death when she started screaming! That was by far the biggest reaction I have ever seen so I am doing my yearly comparison. This is Datkota at 6 and Abby at five. It was funny because now she is getting to the age that she understands and we have been told this for a few years now. But the other day she said "Mom who was that lady that said I was Jehovah Raffa?" I was utterly confused until I understood she pulled another Abbyism withe her mixed up words, I laughed so hard. She meant to say Dakota Fanning.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
God Doesn't want me in Africa
I feel I need to write this.
For a while now I have felt a slow down or a stop in my ministry outside the family. It isn't for lack of passion it is just the attention in my life is focused on my kids. Training Mason and Abby to continue in their walk with the Lord, and teaching Nettie and Judah what it is to be in our family and to love God. But mainly the training of my own spirit to walk closer to God in wisdom, to be the mom and wife I need to be here in my home.
For so long I craved leaving, I thought leaving here, moving to Africa would be the best thing for my family. I dreamed about it, and even secretly planned for it and prayed for it. But God doesn't want me in Africa. God doesn't want me anywhere, he can't use the "me" in Kim, the "Me" is the soul, who I am. I am compassionate, occasionally funny, out going Kim. But God doesn't need those things, hurting people don't need those things. Nobody needs my knowledge or human compassion. I am sure those things are nice and I have gotten by with them for so long but God needs the Me in Me to shrink. If I can step back and trust in God who made me then I should be able to give Me over to him and when that happens then it is no longer my compassion, which is nothing more than dry leaves. It is God's and it is that compassion that heals the broken hearted and binds up wounds that my human understanding could never touch. God's hand reaches further than ME and God's love, starts at home with ME. It starts with the most difficult challenge, family life. Especially after adopting the challenge lies to understand how God loves my kids and Gary. If I can't wrap my arms around Nettie and Judah and love them like God than how am I going to wrap my arms around orphans in Africa and really minister to them with the true power of God. It is not and illusion or some far off idea, the power of God is real and it heals. To go to a remote and hurting place in Africa is actually more easily done for me than to wake up and deal with Judah's tantrums and behaviors that I cannot fix. But is that real for me? What if the orphan I was loving with my human compassion turned around and hurt me? Would I still love? I think that is why God has told me he doesn't need me in Africa. He needs me to let go of me and let him move in me and have his being.
For a while now I have felt a slow down or a stop in my ministry outside the family. It isn't for lack of passion it is just the attention in my life is focused on my kids. Training Mason and Abby to continue in their walk with the Lord, and teaching Nettie and Judah what it is to be in our family and to love God. But mainly the training of my own spirit to walk closer to God in wisdom, to be the mom and wife I need to be here in my home.
For so long I craved leaving, I thought leaving here, moving to Africa would be the best thing for my family. I dreamed about it, and even secretly planned for it and prayed for it. But God doesn't want me in Africa. God doesn't want me anywhere, he can't use the "me" in Kim, the "Me" is the soul, who I am. I am compassionate, occasionally funny, out going Kim. But God doesn't need those things, hurting people don't need those things. Nobody needs my knowledge or human compassion. I am sure those things are nice and I have gotten by with them for so long but God needs the Me in Me to shrink. If I can step back and trust in God who made me then I should be able to give Me over to him and when that happens then it is no longer my compassion, which is nothing more than dry leaves. It is God's and it is that compassion that heals the broken hearted and binds up wounds that my human understanding could never touch. God's hand reaches further than ME and God's love, starts at home with ME. It starts with the most difficult challenge, family life. Especially after adopting the challenge lies to understand how God loves my kids and Gary. If I can't wrap my arms around Nettie and Judah and love them like God than how am I going to wrap my arms around orphans in Africa and really minister to them with the true power of God. It is not and illusion or some far off idea, the power of God is real and it heals. To go to a remote and hurting place in Africa is actually more easily done for me than to wake up and deal with Judah's tantrums and behaviors that I cannot fix. But is that real for me? What if the orphan I was loving with my human compassion turned around and hurt me? Would I still love? I think that is why God has told me he doesn't need me in Africa. He needs me to let go of me and let him move in me and have his being.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
A little Perrier and it is all okay
It is really the thought that counts, or in my case, any thought that counts as long as I am being thought about.
On the way home from Costco the other day, Gary remembered that I like Perrier sparkling water. He actually remembered and look at Costco even though I forgot to remind him. The when he called he told me he would go by Safeway on the way home. Well that just means a lot to me because I hate stopping when I am on the way home. I told him not to worry about it, but he did anyway and not only brought me a big tall glass bottle of the bubbly stuff, but a whole case! To me that just means the world. Ahhhh love at it's finest.
On a different note and for the sake of record keeping. Judah did choke on a shrimp tail today. After he choked on a rubber chip. Poor kid I was tickling him and he was chewing on a rubber chip that I didn't know about and he swallowed it. But I have to say he was thrilled when he found out that he would have the chance to see the rubber chip once again in the toilet. I did freak him out with the shrimp though. The kid loves shrimp, well until tonight. I practically had all the kids vegetarian by the end of dinner. When Judah found out that shrimp lived in the water he told me that I lied to him and that he didn't like fish. Well it was actually when I uncurled the shrimp and showed the kids the insect like legs and then showed how they walk that he didn't like shrimp. It took a few minutes of coaxing and telling him they didn't have eyes before he would eat it again. With great mistrust and suspicion he went on to ask me where his milk came from, the pasta, cheese, vegetables it was a new concept that is for sure.
On the way home from Costco the other day, Gary remembered that I like Perrier sparkling water. He actually remembered and look at Costco even though I forgot to remind him. The when he called he told me he would go by Safeway on the way home. Well that just means a lot to me because I hate stopping when I am on the way home. I told him not to worry about it, but he did anyway and not only brought me a big tall glass bottle of the bubbly stuff, but a whole case! To me that just means the world. Ahhhh love at it's finest.
On a different note and for the sake of record keeping. Judah did choke on a shrimp tail today. After he choked on a rubber chip. Poor kid I was tickling him and he was chewing on a rubber chip that I didn't know about and he swallowed it. But I have to say he was thrilled when he found out that he would have the chance to see the rubber chip once again in the toilet. I did freak him out with the shrimp though. The kid loves shrimp, well until tonight. I practically had all the kids vegetarian by the end of dinner. When Judah found out that shrimp lived in the water he told me that I lied to him and that he didn't like fish. Well it was actually when I uncurled the shrimp and showed the kids the insect like legs and then showed how they walk that he didn't like shrimp. It took a few minutes of coaxing and telling him they didn't have eyes before he would eat it again. With great mistrust and suspicion he went on to ask me where his milk came from, the pasta, cheese, vegetables it was a new concept that is for sure.
In Response to Mothers Day Mayham
After my tell all post, I had several people, mostly moms share with me that their mothers day were not all they had hoped for. But it was this letter to me from a long time friend that made me really smile. He is not a mom, but a dad and I can really appreciate his point of view. :) I say we vote John B. "King of mothers day!"
"If I were King, I'd designate one day every week as Mom's Day Off, to recognize the ones who give so much of everything they have, every other day of the week, to their families with grace and fortitude. On M.D.O., you would get waited on hand and foot by the rest of the family, or just left alone for some peace & quiet, if you wish. Children would be required to remember and recite at least 10-15 things their mother's did for them the previous week and say "thank you" with a hug. Pampering, maternal decompression, and restfulness are the order of the day. Movie theatres, Spa's, and eateries of all kinds would offer a 90% discount to mothers on M.D.O.. A large assortment of bath treatments would promptly arrive at your doorstep (delivered by a sexy UPS driver, naturally) for your use. I could go on and on, but you get the idea; Mom's deserve way more TLC than they usually get.
Now, I don't want to get on a rant here, but indulge me for a paragraph.... Hallmark is kind of evil, I think - using a careful construct of psychology (in the form of guilt), mass media bombardment, and an array of insipid, stupidly-written cards and gifts that (most of the time)replace substance, heartfelt talking/passion, romantic originality, and imagination. I think it amounts to preying on people's emotional and/or relational shortcomings - All in the name of a multi-billion dollar business enterprise. As an average absent minded guy myself, I admit to getting burned a time or two on this Hallmark day or that (Valentine's Day is one I don't particularly like, especially when we have wedding anniversaries to remember our spouses). Sadly, as our society progresses toward a nanosecond cultural mindset, I suspect more and more people will submit to things like Hallmark out of convenience or the unwillingness to creatively use their brains to unselfishly communicate love, to apologize, offer sympathies, or just plain express themselves about anything."
"If I were King, I'd designate one day every week as Mom's Day Off, to recognize the ones who give so much of everything they have, every other day of the week, to their families with grace and fortitude. On M.D.O., you would get waited on hand and foot by the rest of the family, or just left alone for some peace & quiet, if you wish. Children would be required to remember and recite at least 10-15 things their mother's did for them the previous week and say "thank you" with a hug. Pampering, maternal decompression, and restfulness are the order of the day. Movie theatres, Spa's, and eateries of all kinds would offer a 90% discount to mothers on M.D.O.. A large assortment of bath treatments would promptly arrive at your doorstep (delivered by a sexy UPS driver, naturally) for your use. I could go on and on, but you get the idea; Mom's deserve way more TLC than they usually get.
Now, I don't want to get on a rant here, but indulge me for a paragraph.... Hallmark is kind of evil, I think - using a careful construct of psychology (in the form of guilt), mass media bombardment, and an array of insipid, stupidly-written cards and gifts that (most of the time)replace substance, heartfelt talking/passion, romantic originality, and imagination. I think it amounts to preying on people's emotional and/or relational shortcomings - All in the name of a multi-billion dollar business enterprise. As an average absent minded guy myself, I admit to getting burned a time or two on this Hallmark day or that (Valentine's Day is one I don't particularly like, especially when we have wedding anniversaries to remember our spouses). Sadly, as our society progresses toward a nanosecond cultural mindset, I suspect more and more people will submit to things like Hallmark out of convenience or the unwillingness to creatively use their brains to unselfishly communicate love, to apologize, offer sympathies, or just plain express themselves about anything."
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mama Mia Day
Good grief. Has there been a worse mothers day in 7 years I have had the privileged of being a mom. MMMMM let me think.............
NO! no there hasn't
Well the day started off innocent enough. Abby was the first to remember it was my day. That is an oxymoron, Mothers day? really come on, does that exist?
My head was pounding but I proceeded to let all the kids fight over who was going to put lotion on my legs, meanwhile they are digging in my jewelry box to find a necklace I should wear. Mason was in the kitchen trying his best in a helpless male sort of way to microwave frozen omelets that I bought the day before because I wanted to set them up for success. But the frozen egg thing wasn't working out for Mason, ending in much screaming at me from the kitchen, while Nettie slathered hotel lotion not only on my eye lids, but in my eyes. Finally I got up. I make breakfast, I stop the arguing, I try to find a clean dish. You may ask "Where is Gary?" well let me tell you, he was in Hawaii. To give him some credit he was on his way home. I told him not to worry about a gift, our love was a gift enough, blah just kidding. I told him a week ago to get the kids together and make me a card. Did it happen? No. I thought somewhere, as I scrambled to get the kids ready for church by myself, that maybe he brought me a card or something from Hawaii. No. In fact when he called he didn't even remember. Niccccceeeeee.
He got home, blah blah blah, I tried not to be mad, blah blah blah, didn't work. As Abby screamed out of control, something about pants, I realized, as I did laundry that someones orange crayon made it's way into the dryer, ruining one of my favorite shirts, the one I was going to wear to church. I didn't let the orange crayon thing get me down, I would still wear the shirt. I put it on, then as I walked into the bedroom the shirt caught up on the door handle ripping a huge hole in it! When I was just at the point of tears I realized that I didn't even have my shirt on the right way! It was inside out. That is about the time I lost it. That is about the time my mom called. As I talked to her I couldn't hold back the tears and all the make up I put on, and let me tell you it was a lot because it was a special occasion and even though I was going to church by myself I wanted to feel good. Well a puddle of eyeliner and mascara later I wasn't feeling good. Now the flood gates where opened, my feelings totally hurt. I think out of fear Gary decided to go to church with me, even though he had flown all night. I sat in the back with Abby. It was at this point the injury and injustice stabbed. The phone rang and I overheard him telling his brother that he called his mom this morning and already wished her a Happy's mother day. See, funny thing, when he called me on his way home this morning, apparantly AFTER he called his mom, he forgot to wish me a Happy's mother day.
You know I am still hurt, I still have a headache, life goes on. I am making lunch and cleaning you know doing mother things. But let me tell you something. I am mad at Hallmark and the media for pumping this mom up to the level where I think I should have a day, because the disappointment in not being remembered by my husband on mothers day, the disappointment of buying my own frozen breakfast and my own flowers is too much for this mom. It would be all the same if this day didn't exist. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow but for now I stand with all the women who don't like this day. Who don't fit into this day. I know you are out there. You are not alone. I am boycotting mothers day, care to join me?? No? didn't think so lucky girls. :)
NO! no there hasn't
Well the day started off innocent enough. Abby was the first to remember it was my day. That is an oxymoron, Mothers day? really come on, does that exist?
My head was pounding but I proceeded to let all the kids fight over who was going to put lotion on my legs, meanwhile they are digging in my jewelry box to find a necklace I should wear. Mason was in the kitchen trying his best in a helpless male sort of way to microwave frozen omelets that I bought the day before because I wanted to set them up for success. But the frozen egg thing wasn't working out for Mason, ending in much screaming at me from the kitchen, while Nettie slathered hotel lotion not only on my eye lids, but in my eyes. Finally I got up. I make breakfast, I stop the arguing, I try to find a clean dish. You may ask "Where is Gary?" well let me tell you, he was in Hawaii. To give him some credit he was on his way home. I told him not to worry about a gift, our love was a gift enough, blah just kidding. I told him a week ago to get the kids together and make me a card. Did it happen? No. I thought somewhere, as I scrambled to get the kids ready for church by myself, that maybe he brought me a card or something from Hawaii. No. In fact when he called he didn't even remember. Niccccceeeeee.
He got home, blah blah blah, I tried not to be mad, blah blah blah, didn't work. As Abby screamed out of control, something about pants, I realized, as I did laundry that someones orange crayon made it's way into the dryer, ruining one of my favorite shirts, the one I was going to wear to church. I didn't let the orange crayon thing get me down, I would still wear the shirt. I put it on, then as I walked into the bedroom the shirt caught up on the door handle ripping a huge hole in it! When I was just at the point of tears I realized that I didn't even have my shirt on the right way! It was inside out. That is about the time I lost it. That is about the time my mom called. As I talked to her I couldn't hold back the tears and all the make up I put on, and let me tell you it was a lot because it was a special occasion and even though I was going to church by myself I wanted to feel good. Well a puddle of eyeliner and mascara later I wasn't feeling good. Now the flood gates where opened, my feelings totally hurt. I think out of fear Gary decided to go to church with me, even though he had flown all night. I sat in the back with Abby. It was at this point the injury and injustice stabbed. The phone rang and I overheard him telling his brother that he called his mom this morning and already wished her a Happy's mother day. See, funny thing, when he called me on his way home this morning, apparantly AFTER he called his mom, he forgot to wish me a Happy's mother day.
You know I am still hurt, I still have a headache, life goes on. I am making lunch and cleaning you know doing mother things. But let me tell you something. I am mad at Hallmark and the media for pumping this mom up to the level where I think I should have a day, because the disappointment in not being remembered by my husband on mothers day, the disappointment of buying my own frozen breakfast and my own flowers is too much for this mom. It would be all the same if this day didn't exist. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow but for now I stand with all the women who don't like this day. Who don't fit into this day. I know you are out there. You are not alone. I am boycotting mothers day, care to join me?? No? didn't think so lucky girls. :)
Friday, May 8, 2009
My works
3Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.
Proverbs 16:3
Often times I try this the other way around. I try so hard to "think" my way out of something or into something. I think and analyze until I drive myself nuts and everyone else around me. All God is asking from me today is to commit my plans to him. Just hand over what I think is mine. It takes trust, obedience, willingness to really give your "works" to him. After I submit my day my plans and my life, then my thoughts will be established, grounded and focused on God's heart.
When I was on the plane coming back from Hawaii, I was so tired. The lights were out, 150 people sleeping including me and the kids. Then I was startled awake by a child who just burst out crying. I can't say I was irritated, that wasn't really it, actually it felt normal, being a mom I am used to waking up suddenly to children crying. It took a few seconds but I was pretty bummed because I don't really sleep on planes and now I wandered if I could sleep at all. I felt "sorry" for the parents but that was about it. I wasn't mad but I wanted to sleep so I began to pray really from that "feel sorry" place. There was some level of compassion but mostly I wanted the kid to be quiet so I could sleep. As I prayed for them I was convicted of my deeper motives. Feeling sorry for them wasn't what they needed, they needed me to pray for them from a true heart, one established in God and HIS desire for them, not mine. I immediately said sorry to God for having wrong motives, and I began to pray for them from a different point of compassion than one of pity. It was a compassion bigger than me and bigger than the 757. The child immediately quieted down. The parents didn't know who I was or that I was praying for them, but I know my God heard me and answered me. God spoke to me softly as I drifted off to sleep once again. "Prayers prayed with MY heart are effective" I had to wander later how many times I pray for someone with the wrong motives even if they seemed right. Only God knows our motives and only God can reveal them to us. Give your "works" prayers, day, homeschool, kids, relationships, all that we have and God will establish our thoughts, he will give us his mind and then we can be effective, more effective because we truly have lined up with His mind for us in submission.
Proverbs 16:3
Often times I try this the other way around. I try so hard to "think" my way out of something or into something. I think and analyze until I drive myself nuts and everyone else around me. All God is asking from me today is to commit my plans to him. Just hand over what I think is mine. It takes trust, obedience, willingness to really give your "works" to him. After I submit my day my plans and my life, then my thoughts will be established, grounded and focused on God's heart.
When I was on the plane coming back from Hawaii, I was so tired. The lights were out, 150 people sleeping including me and the kids. Then I was startled awake by a child who just burst out crying. I can't say I was irritated, that wasn't really it, actually it felt normal, being a mom I am used to waking up suddenly to children crying. It took a few seconds but I was pretty bummed because I don't really sleep on planes and now I wandered if I could sleep at all. I felt "sorry" for the parents but that was about it. I wasn't mad but I wanted to sleep so I began to pray really from that "feel sorry" place. There was some level of compassion but mostly I wanted the kid to be quiet so I could sleep. As I prayed for them I was convicted of my deeper motives. Feeling sorry for them wasn't what they needed, they needed me to pray for them from a true heart, one established in God and HIS desire for them, not mine. I immediately said sorry to God for having wrong motives, and I began to pray for them from a different point of compassion than one of pity. It was a compassion bigger than me and bigger than the 757. The child immediately quieted down. The parents didn't know who I was or that I was praying for them, but I know my God heard me and answered me. God spoke to me softly as I drifted off to sleep once again. "Prayers prayed with MY heart are effective" I had to wander later how many times I pray for someone with the wrong motives even if they seemed right. Only God knows our motives and only God can reveal them to us. Give your "works" prayers, day, homeschool, kids, relationships, all that we have and God will establish our thoughts, he will give us his mind and then we can be effective, more effective because we truly have lined up with His mind for us in submission.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
God's love
"More Love, More Power, More of You (God) in my life"
Do you know what you ask for when yo sing this song? It is a lot. Once I felt like God was sitting with me and in my heart He said "What do you want child, I will give you any gift right now in the whole world, just ask Me" I being wise, :) I asked for love. It says in God's word that Love is the greatest gift.
I being wise, figured that I had just got a free pass to the world. Because I know that love is the very power of God. Love is what heals, love is what saves, love is what makes right the wrong, love covers a multitude of sins, love cast out fear.
Sitting in church alone during the worship session, I figured I had "it" in the bag. Green light, no problems.
I was wrong.
As my father said, "Silly girl, love is a fruit, it has be grown."
I have learned that over the years. Often I have struggled and I still do. I set off to adopt. I was doing the right thing, I was doing a noble thing. I was going to make a difference. I was going to love another person's child as my own. Piece of cake.
I was wrong.
You see I have been challenged. I cannot change that I would not change that. Three years into the challenge I have grown tired. The bible says do not grow weary in doing good. But I have grown weary. Just the other day I cried and said I am hopeless. I have more hope for the orphans at Hope for the Hopeless than I do me and the relationship I have with my own child. I am tired.
I cannot love. What is the answer? What is the key? What is it that God wants me to learn? What am I doing wrong?
You have not because you ask not. In speaking with one of the most amazing ladies I know, this is her blog. I learned that I needed to ask for wisdom. So we prayed a while ago, and shared in Ephesians and James and I have been begging the Lord for wisdom regarding my child. I don't often do that, it seems vague. (sometimes it is easier to go to a book or a specialist or a friend) but God wants us to go to HIM the maker of all things.
Today was the most amazing day ever because I learned that God's love is so much better than my own. My own dries up and gets discouraged, my own love is not worth too much because when my own love is tested my own love fails. You can actually replace the word "Love" with "Compassion" because after today I know I do not have any of my "own love"
My compassion only goes enough to get me through, it goes far enough to fulfill my selfish wants of making others feel good, and helping and smiling at a job well done. There is a level of selfishness and self satisfaction in be a "do gooder" I am not saying that doing good things is wrong, but for me and myself I have to really go deeper and after a while it is that compassion that will fail you. It may happen in a few days, or a few months, in my case that compassion has gotten me by for a few years, 3 to be exact.
I will write the rest tomorrow. Just know that God has shown himself to me in a tangible way. For anyone who does not know my Jesus, let me tell you, He is LOVE. He is LOVE. He doesn't just, love, HE IS LOVE. Everything he does and every part of him is love. To have just a taste of perfect love on this earth is something that is hard to explain. I can tell you it is real, it is big, and it is something so separate of emotion and understanding. My human mind can barely grasp it. It is not a feeling it is not a wave of emotion. It is power. Gentle power to heal the hurt, the same gentle power that put himself on the cross is alive today and separate of our deeds and separate of our good works. I can see now how in the light of perfect love our "good deeds" are merely acts and that there is no possible way with the love of Christ to operate with true love. There is not a person good enough on this planet that can possibly stand as blameless as Jesus in his pure love. I can say with understanding the verse in the bible that says "Our righteousness is like a filthy rag" Jesus is the way he is the truth and he is life, he is the light we will someday stand before and he is LOVE.
Do you know what you ask for when yo sing this song? It is a lot. Once I felt like God was sitting with me and in my heart He said "What do you want child, I will give you any gift right now in the whole world, just ask Me" I being wise, :) I asked for love. It says in God's word that Love is the greatest gift.
I being wise, figured that I had just got a free pass to the world. Because I know that love is the very power of God. Love is what heals, love is what saves, love is what makes right the wrong, love covers a multitude of sins, love cast out fear.
Sitting in church alone during the worship session, I figured I had "it" in the bag. Green light, no problems.
I was wrong.
As my father said, "Silly girl, love is a fruit, it has be grown."
I have learned that over the years. Often I have struggled and I still do. I set off to adopt. I was doing the right thing, I was doing a noble thing. I was going to make a difference. I was going to love another person's child as my own. Piece of cake.
I was wrong.
You see I have been challenged. I cannot change that I would not change that. Three years into the challenge I have grown tired. The bible says do not grow weary in doing good. But I have grown weary. Just the other day I cried and said I am hopeless. I have more hope for the orphans at Hope for the Hopeless than I do me and the relationship I have with my own child. I am tired.
I cannot love. What is the answer? What is the key? What is it that God wants me to learn? What am I doing wrong?
You have not because you ask not. In speaking with one of the most amazing ladies I know, this is her blog. I learned that I needed to ask for wisdom. So we prayed a while ago, and shared in Ephesians and James and I have been begging the Lord for wisdom regarding my child. I don't often do that, it seems vague. (sometimes it is easier to go to a book or a specialist or a friend) but God wants us to go to HIM the maker of all things.
Today was the most amazing day ever because I learned that God's love is so much better than my own. My own dries up and gets discouraged, my own love is not worth too much because when my own love is tested my own love fails. You can actually replace the word "Love" with "Compassion" because after today I know I do not have any of my "own love"
My compassion only goes enough to get me through, it goes far enough to fulfill my selfish wants of making others feel good, and helping and smiling at a job well done. There is a level of selfishness and self satisfaction in be a "do gooder" I am not saying that doing good things is wrong, but for me and myself I have to really go deeper and after a while it is that compassion that will fail you. It may happen in a few days, or a few months, in my case that compassion has gotten me by for a few years, 3 to be exact.
I will write the rest tomorrow. Just know that God has shown himself to me in a tangible way. For anyone who does not know my Jesus, let me tell you, He is LOVE. He is LOVE. He doesn't just, love, HE IS LOVE. Everything he does and every part of him is love. To have just a taste of perfect love on this earth is something that is hard to explain. I can tell you it is real, it is big, and it is something so separate of emotion and understanding. My human mind can barely grasp it. It is not a feeling it is not a wave of emotion. It is power. Gentle power to heal the hurt, the same gentle power that put himself on the cross is alive today and separate of our deeds and separate of our good works. I can see now how in the light of perfect love our "good deeds" are merely acts and that there is no possible way with the love of Christ to operate with true love. There is not a person good enough on this planet that can possibly stand as blameless as Jesus in his pure love. I can say with understanding the verse in the bible that says "Our righteousness is like a filthy rag" Jesus is the way he is the truth and he is life, he is the light we will someday stand before and he is LOVE.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Mason
I am writing this because I need to. It bothers me when Mason talks about dieing. I guess part of me knows that it is natural but man this is too much
He planned his whole funeral tonight. It was detailed and with a picture and a design down to the location. He wanted to be placed where we got married because that is where his family started. It is too detailed and deep to go into on this blog. I get so mad inside but I listen intently because of his nonchalance about it. He is not bothered one bit. Soooooo...... that makes me mad. I finally told him, "Look son, moms are not supposed to bury their kids so I will have none of that. I am going first and you can let your kids handle your funeral arrangements okay? anyway if you obey your parents God has promised a long life so do God's will and bury me when the time comes." He seemed okay with that too. On a lighter note, Abby who copies everything he does said she too wanted to be cremated but she wanted her ashes to go in an egg carton sitting on the counter top. Rolling eyes right now.
Later and as the night progressed Mason went from dieing to planning his wedding, he sang the song
"Here comes the bride all dressed and wide" man that makes me laugh! Watch out girls he is looking for a hefty lady!
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